S9E10: Falling Into Relationships

Dateable Podcast
October 15, 2019
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October 15, 2019

S9E10: Falling Into Relationships

We discuss bringing awareness into your dating life, prioritizing love along with your career, and how to bring more passion into your relationships.

Falling Into Relationships

Join us as we talk to Dave about how he seems to fall in and out of relationships without thinking much about it. We discuss bringing awareness into your dating life, prioritizing love along with your career, and how to bring more passion into your relationships.

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Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 10 Falling Into Relationships

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

The dateable podcast is an Insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington Post calls one of the top 10 podcasts about love and sex on each episode will talk to real daters about everything from sex birth defects droughts date fails to diaper fetishes. And first moves to First loves. I'm your host you issue former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie craft long as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about moderation dating as daters. We spend so much of our time thinking about defying the relationship that dreaded DTR conversation constantly scratching our head on whether they're headed for relationship off at the other persons interested in relationship. But our guest today has name is Dave and also a dear friend of mine seems to just skip that entire conversation altogether and just falls into relationships job. Sometimes before he even knows it Dave some like magical power you have here. Hi, the magical about about does a little introduction about my friend. Dave is 40 years old. He lives in San Francisco originally from Illinois. He's currently dating someone but has not defined the relationship has she defined relationship, but how she defines a relationship that's the question tell us about I mean, you've told me a couple of stories but just tell us one of those stories where you basically fell into a relationship and you didn't even know it. Okay. Well, I'm not going to name names. Please don't so I'm a friend of a friend and we were out at a certain bar in San Francisco. And it was one of those nights where I didn't even want to go out. Like I was talked into it. I come on gave come on. Come join us have a drink and it was a bargain. We know everybody and I'm like, all right. I'll go one drink just one true. Is that one? I know it's just that one drink and there he was like I'm dying for you to meet this friend of mine. And you know, she someone that he had For a long time that he had worked with and it was great. Like, you know, was it in the mood to connect? I was there just to receive my drink that was going to be the extent of my night and then all of a sudden another round of drinks comes from like all right fine now her and I had not had any real conversation that I did it only been like three-way or four-way like, you know, like a mixture of a group talking there wasn't anything that made me think anything was their life like nothing even to the point at the end of the night. And yes, I ended up staying up to almost midnight past when I thought I was going I started I was like, okay, I got to get going and all of us were getting going down. I had no idea that she was like, well, I'm going to follow you because I gotta go to Bart and I'm like, oh, okay. No, actually it was our friend who had to go to Bard. She didn't even see where she was going. She just followed that's what it was off at this point. You had no idea what was happening. I just assumed that this is just friends. Yeah, we're we're slightly buzzed and I got to know her through osmosis of the entire conversation from different people that night and fog. Walking down the hill we're walking towards Market Street and I'm thinking to myself she's gonna like turn a corner at some point and be like, here's where I'm going or where I'm going this way. I'm going to call the car or you know, some version thereof in all of a sudden. I felt a hand in mind when she's holding your hand. She was she just started holding my hand and I'm like, okay, we'll go with this and then and so we kept walking and my friend he was like Dave I think with a crash at your place. Is that cool, you know, cuz he was like I could going on he stayed on that's totally fine. He's like, could you give me your key because it seemed like she wanted to stay like we were we were she was like, let's have one more drink and I'm like, okay. All right, let's do this and I hope Sears. Yes, ma'am. Were you like in to her or like what were you just confused? It's just like rolling with it. Okay, like I'm one of the this is a personality fault where I'm a little bit more. Yes than I should be answered and stuff. Like I'm a little bit more and I know I know people have told me but it was a game. So funny because I was like, okay fine. Brian will have a drink unto myself. I've got a day tomorrow. I've got things I gotta do tomorrow and I'm like one drink. What could that hurt? It's midnight. Yes bars. Don't close, you know talk to my head off my night out for the week. This is yeah. This just became a night out. And so we had a drink and that drink turned into two drinks. I don't know how I genuinely don't know how we ended up having to do things and went back to my place down your friends saying my friend was staying over he was downstairs and he was conked out on the couch and her and I went upstairs. I don't know why yeah and that and then what this is a little bit of kissing home and this turned into like a month-and-a-half relationship. So she stayed over obviously, what was that conversation in the morning after pancakes? Yeah, it was pancakes and wage I do this thing. I think it's a defense thing where I woke up and I'm like, okay. Yeah, he or she is and what did I do last night and then I could hear my friend downstairs and I'm like, oh my gosh, you probably heard every song. Cuz you live in a loft.

00:05:01 - 00:10:13

Could you were kissing so I can't think that aren't you know, sure. Oh you're turning red. I love it. I remember this happening kind of became a thing and we never talked about anything. So does she like tell people that you were her boyfriend? Like whoa, whoa no, no no, no, no, okay. Oh, no, but there's a point where she treated you like one cuz you were at a work function. Yes, and I think sometimes that is just a thing that there was a little owner not ownership. What's the word? I'm looking for a little like foil in her territory. Yeah. Yeah, which trying to put words into her head because we never talked about anything. So how did it end really still angry prash dated? See literally didn't talk about anything. Nothing probably towards the very end and she even said she was like, oh, well, we we haven't really defined anything. I'm like, you know, we have we have not nothing's off. Find nothing. Did you want to divide something like where you know? No, I did not were you into her? And anyway, I don't know. I know now granted that was also during a very hectic work. In my life where I had an intense deadline and I say a deadline that literally kept me up like night after night for a while. So I didn't have the headspace the probably like even like, okay, I need to take a moment and think about this and figure this out to her like it wasn't on my agenda. I'm just so confused. Like did she was she the one that like initiated with you? Like how did this even like keep going if you were so like not involved in it, like okay so that weekend. I think that was like a Thursday something like that. We went to an improv show a friend of mine does improv and so we went to that on Friday and we went and had to drink afterwards and you invited her to the improv show off was one of those things where she was like, what are you going to go? And I'm like you can come with it was very like not wait. When did you exchange phone numbers the morning after it's a really good question. So all of a sudden you guys are dead. Texting all the time, right? Oh, well when we went and had pancakes that morning and my friend went with us pictures were taken and she thought they were cute. And so that's I think a telephone number. That's how it happened. Yeah. So is this like a pattern of yours or is this like a one-off? No, that's definitely not a one-off. This is why I need a Dave to come on the show because this has happened before perhaps tell Julie of the other time that it happened. And so I'm in the business some of the film business and so I do some of the things that I do I meet a lot of people and they asked me for for stuff to help and so I was asked to help out on a campaign for a project. I was kind of weird in the sense that I thought she was cute to Simply cute like she definitely seemed considerably younger and I didn't like I'm not someone who asked the lady how old are you like, you know? Yeah, I guess I wasn't even thinking in that area like not at all and then somehow we had a meeting about the project and the other person we were working with left. She stayed and somehow we went to go grab sushi dead. Then we were supposed to go see a Friends movie down in San Jose. Well, we looked at the traffic and realized know now, that's like the traffic was we're not going to make it on time. So she was like well, hey we could just go see a movie theater on Chestnut. So let's see a movie. Oh, okay blown date. I wasn't thinking that I'm like, okay. All right, and all of a sudden is we were walking to the movie theater her arms slipped into like that little thing like, you know, like all of a sudden her arm is inside here walking arm-in-arm are walking arm-in-arm and I'm like, you know, sometimes that's just a thing, you know, like female I've had plenty female friends where they are a little bit off or like a section and it's fine. You know, I didn't think of it until we got into the movie theater and I realized okay I were holding hands now. So how long did this one continue? The maybe are a couple of months so fast so baffled because like have you ever been in a situation where you really gone after a woman like that? You're like, I wanna make this happen or is this just like personality trait? It's a super good question. Not sure actually thought too deeply into it, but there might be something to it. I mean hold on life, you know. No it's actually probably been a while since I've gone after I was like if you have to think about it, that means you know, what's so interesting about this because I've talked about you to Julie for a while and took her like very ambitious professionally and also very ambitious with your friends to you're always the one initiating hang out. He cooks for everyone like really on top of it, but when it comes to life love life, I've never heard you talk about going after someone or someone you had a crush on or being really into someone. Why do you think that is I may have had a relationship in the past. They said a bar wage. Set a pretty high bar for what I felt and haven't quite experienced that since but if you're not going after it, how can you experience? Yeah true. That does not mean that I don't you know, obviously you've heard a couple of stories about how I've been in relationships and I've been in some longer-term relationships in the past as well where you know, I've waited to feel it and when I say waited to feel it like I hope you should come in every day, right? And I think that's normal.

00:10:13 - 00:15:03

Yeah, we've all been in relationships like that. You're like maybe the chemistry isn't as intense in the beginning, but maybe it'll grow or maybe this relationship grow over time. But if you don't have the intentions for the relationship to grow from the beginning, how can that relationship really get anywhere? You're making me think about stuff off. Are you looking for love Dave? Do you want love? Of course? I mean who doesn't of course I do. Yeah. Absolutely. And do you want to be in like a loving relationship? Of course? Yeah, and what are the steps you're taking to get their wage? Look at my calendar. You just need some girl that Loop in her and then and there she is. I mean, I do have to admire these women, you know being making up making a move that's fantastic because they're they're obviously after something. I'm wondering if there's like some sign you're giving off like yeah, you said there's two that you give examples of how many like others had happened to them not keeping a journal on this pretty much every relationship. I feel like you made us more about your relationship history than you do some because I've been waiting for this day would just be like what is happening Dame? Okay, so I'm going to go with you ways answer. This happens a lot since you don't remember it's not even the falling into relationship happens a lot. But also falling off of relationship happens a lot. You just never have a clear start or end this okay. There's probably some truth to that. Yeah. So I guess you're the current thing you're in you haven't defined the relationship. How long has that been going on. Maybe two or three months. Okay, and how did this one start? Well, you guys were just saying that I haven't gone after it. This was actually from dig I did the I tried the Degas big. Oh the pet owner. Yeah. Oh, okay. So you're trying to dating app. I did I did. Yeah. Okay, and then you met this person and US seeing each other true no DTR anything yet. Well, okay just a few nights ago. She did happened ask it was discussed. Probably. That's what it is. Have you ever brought up the DTR to anyone? I don't think so. I don't know. I'm I'm going to go with know if you think about it. I don't think I don't think you have it's a break space thing when I say that it's not that I don't want it. Yeah that I don't you're not thinking about it. Yeah, but why do you think you're not even thinking about it? Do you think it's just personality, but you said other ports birth? Of your life or not. Like they're like you go after it. This guy doesn't sleep cuz he's constantly thinking about his next steps professionally. That's actually quite driven. Yeah. So this is interesting because I know there's some guys listening to this right now just flying to shake you and you like I been looking to get into a relationship for so long. I've been looking for love and I haven't dated anybody in a really long time and change or you are just kind of nonchalant whatever whatever goes goes and just fall into these relationships, but are they relationships? It doesn't feel like they're fully they're just feels like they're like a canyon that just happens to come in and out. That's at least the vibe on picking up. You might know right your lives better than I do. Does it does it enhance your life? Of course, of course, I I definitely value companionship. Obviously if I tried to dig out, you know, it's something that I was seeking if I had to scratch away if you guys are making me think about things that I often don't because what I do think about is my next script I think about my next project I think about birth It's business venture. Yeah, that is where I invest my time in terms of my like what I have in my brain. So these are okay. Like I'm sorry. This is like I think so many men are like this. I think there's a lot of men that are just like you and I think as women that are constantly and I'm generalizing so it's not every man every woman but women that are constantly thinking about like the next step in like what's happening next in the guy down there with might be enjoying their company, but they're not thinking about any of this, right? Okay. Yeah. I see what you're saying of this and that I mean like I've definitely been in relationships like that. And yes, I'm in a relationship but they're not thinking about like, how do I move this next level? What am I going to do? Like, how do I incorporate this person fully in my life and all this stuff. It's just like oh when I see them, I see them and happy that they're around. It's very nonchalant. Yeah, except I would say in those situations cuz I've definitely been in those relationships those men can have that relationship go on forever ready? Okay with it as status quo you actually get off. Out of these relationships eventually. So what causes the ultimate end of these relationships for you? I mean it varies. I think it really boils down to at least see how busy I am and off the conversation comes up about how busy I am and making time it's not that I don't make time.

00:15:03 - 00:20:42

It's that they see how driven I am on things that are not related to the relationship, right? That's really I would guess be like, I've definitely been there in the reason I think a lot of times women are the ones to end relationships is because they're not getting enough right? Like they feel like they're not getting the full attention of someone and it's not something that's generally don't like them or they don't want to continue the relationship but they're not being fulfilled. Okay. So this is where I struggle do you when you're in these quote-unquote relationships, do you initiate database? Do you initiate things to do with them? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so you give them the idea that the U are making an effort when I do and it's never lack of effort. There's a lot of things off. Pull me away from the social side of my life and often if I do something social I tend to make it somewhat connected to work because the people that I hang out with typically are people I work with so that's I think sometimes the problem is that my world's do blend together a little bit too much. I don't know if I if I know how to divide them. So is this working for you? I guess that's a big question is if it is, maybe there's nothing wrong with it. It's off. That's a really good question. I don't know if it's working. How do you know like what what is the gauge? What is the parameter? I guess I guess it boils down to happiness. Yeah, I would say happiness keeps you happy. Yeah. Wow, really enthusiastic sure a warm body in my bed. Well, I if I had to be completely honest, I think a large part of me won't be happy until I feel like I've gotten to a point of success in my career that I can just where I can just take a vacation for example like dead. I kind of told myself because I'm not someone who I travel for work. And that is where I kind of like that's my vacation. I haven't actually looked at a calendar and said I am going to go here and I'm getting a book in I'm not going to do anything other than relax. I haven't done that in a very long time. And so I think that that is kind of the bar that I'm holding for myself that when I get to that point, then I can relax and then think about what happens if you never get to that point. Yeah, once you get success, you want more success and just like a never-ending cycle, right? Like what's that point that you'll be like? Okay. I'm good to find that person and prioritize social life. I'd like to think that I will reach a point where one success that I'd say. I get a script option. Boom. All right, then I'm taking a vacation. I feel like if you don't take any time, then you can't take time for someone else either. So the first step for you to get there is to take some me time. No matter how busy you are no matter how much you're trying to achieve these specific goals wage. Really? You're just like in a tunnel right now. I mean, I I watch Game of Thrones. I took time for that. That's a commitment. That is do you want a relationship? Like what are you looking for off? Of course, I do. Yeah, and yeah, there's even a part of me that thinks at some point. I would like to have a kid. Okay, but do you think I mean you're forty right? Like do you ever think about what if I do get to a point in your life where you say? I've reached a success as I wanted now. I'm ready for a wife or kid or a real relationship would have then there's nobody left off. I think about that. I mean if that happens it happens. I mean, I can't control it's done spinning whatever my life is when it's spinning and if I've done what I feel like I need to do in terms of like my career goals in my you know, what I gauge for My Success if there's nothing left and so that I tried I guess I'd be this really proves to what we've talked about before where the fundamental differences between jobs. That in women are exactly you. Yeah men don't multitask know so they have to achieve these certain goals before they can think about the other aspects of their life. Whereas women try to cram it all on the same timeline. That's why there's so much miscommunication between men and women. Yeah. I'm kind of envious that you just don't have these thoughts. I know. I know anything to me seems like get in and out of relationships and just like not have it even affect. You know, I've got no, I mean I'm a sensitive person. I mean, I'm in the business of writing, you know about emotions. But yeah, I definitely have had some break-ups in the past. There was that one relationship that I think kind of numbed me to a degree that because I don't feel like I've come close to that yet that took it been heard in that way. It doesn't feel the same. When was that relationship? That was before I moved out here about eleven years ago. So you were in your twenties. Yeah. I feel like that is also something khong. I've heard of sure and holding on to these relationships from decades ago and like not moving forward for whatever reason. Well, it's not that okay. I'm absolutely over it and I've been over it but I can't deny the fact that that you know, the way that for example, she wrote the way that we communicated the the language that we had like two shared language was something that I'd never experienced before that and I haven't experienced since I'm not saying that you know, I absolutely want that now but again, in fact that happened again, I would probably probably change some of the drive and what I have in terms of my career would probably dial it back because I speak with Dan and Phil, you know, some of that time just it hasn't happened yet and maybe this person that I'm with now maybe that happens, but I'm also in a very weird career Crux of where I've got to make some major decisions on the projects and I'm dealing with and that's taken up a lot of time which is not necessarily fair to a relationship and I've been honest with this person about that and she's very supportive of it.

00:20:42 - 00:25:08

Yeah. So maybe did me six months in this conversation may be different. Yep. So we hadn't guessed that was she's seventy. She's a widow and she made a statement and not that it's the same example of how does this relate to me in any way but like I need an exact comment that she can't compare new people to her ex-husband. I think probably like you can't find another person like that other person not that like there isn't someone else that's going to be good in a different way. I think if you're constantly looking for someone that's just that other person like that will probably never happen to also we had an episode about your gold standard and we came to the conclusion that your gold standard is just a part of your memory that person if you met them today is no longer that person you remember them to be right. So you kind of just have to let them sit in that part of the memory and know that that's it right. There is no such standard for you to hold other people, I guess because it's really not fair to anybody else know. What is interesting about what you said about this previous love is that she made you feel in a way that you you don't suck. Think that someone else could ever make you feel again. Oh, no. No, it's no it's not that I do believe that can happen. And and I'm open to it. It hasn't hit me in that way since and I would. I would love to feel that way again because you know, when you feel that way, you're like you're on top of the world kind of thing, but don't you think with your previous relationship? You were also different you gave an energy that was different than when you're giving now true and that's probably why you received. Yeah. I love back like someone that's in it. Like I feel like that Vibe. And again, I'm just judging from this conversation feels like you're so removed from the situation that are happening like your your writer Write Your Story with the girl holding your hand could have been the most romantic story if you had framed it as we were into each other and didn't know this is going anywhere and then she slid her hand into mine and there we were to Mere strangers walking down the street holding hands. I mean that's lovely wage. But the way you framed it was I don't know what's going on. She's her hand in my hand. And then we were told I was it like that could have been a very romantic gesture. Like I can't tell if you're into these people and I just have no like just thinking of I was dating you I'd be so fucking confused you think of like me. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you you might suck it up more for them outside of this podcast, but I I agree. I mean it it's entirely possible that I'll just pick that night that night where she slipped her hand into my hand. It was genuinely because I didn't look at her that way and it wasn't that I'm not I wasn't attracted to her. I just I wasn't there for that that night. I was scared to hang with friends and I was not looking to hook up you compartmentalize a lot. Yeah life really can get shit done. Yeah. It's not a bad quality. It just feels like you have definitely very different tracks for different things. Well, I also work with a lot of different people in different aspects. So I do have to like I have a name You this way for this group and this way for this group? And so I I do do that, you know, and and I guess I do that sometimes for a relationship. I just love getting guess on who are like Dave we're kind of like falling into relationships compartmentalize relationships and then we have other guests who come on and that's all consuming in their lives all about relationships. I want to find a girlfriend. I'm going on as many dates as possible Jason or season opener was talking about how you win like on 101st dates and he had like thousands of matches on Bumble interesting. Yeah. It's really interesting the type of just the differences between you and this other type of person. I think there's a lot of people that really prioritize dating. Yeah, like make it a second job and I don't know what we don't know what the right answer really, you know, right and you can say that the person that is not dating like it's their job knows what they're looking for. So they are like going after their future right and then you could also say that they're putting way too much emphasis on it. And then as soon as you don't put as much emphasis, that's one good thing. This, so. Yeah, really hard to say what the right approach is. Maybe there isn't a right approach. It just was works for you. Well, I'm also of the of the elk where I don't believe a relationship actually defines who I am. I believe that compliment but it doesn't Define me so I don't seek something unless it can't has a chance to find me my career can Define me? So so I drink a lot of them think like that too.

00:25:08 - 00:30:01

It's the it's the career first. I think a lot of men latch their identities to their career. Once they feel stable in that then they can think about love and family then there's the other cohort that latch themselves onto having a significant other as an identity thing. So maybe that is why some people put more of an emphasis on it than others. Yeah. I mean, I guess at the end of the day like if you feel happy with the way things are going for you whether that's like something intentional or not. That's all that matters. And if you don't that's when it's time to look into other approaches curiosity. What are the other approaches? I would say just being active wage. To your dating life cuz you're very passive right now. What if I quit for one week cuz I know you you have this to-do list, its massive would have you put dating as your number one priority be with the girl you're currently seeing but like really making it a priority to like send her a sweet tags. Yeah something I don't know plan a really great date for her. Like I don't know what you currently do, but like having something that like really makes that a priority and yeah and just see how that feels just for one week like sending that first text when you wake up to her. I've done that before as I look at. My phone has proved it doesn't seem top of mine to you. It's not that it's not top of mind. It's that there's a lot on my mind then when I wake up in the morning. The first thing that I think of is what's my next meeting for the day or what's my first thing that I got to get done now granted the job that she has like, we're not necessarily morning people in the sense that where it's like morning stuff. It's more like checking in the afternoon. And then we have a good Hardy top. So you you feel fulfilled. Yeah. I mean, I does she feel fulfilled. That's the question you'd have to have her here. I think you could also ask that question. I mean like that's the other piece off your feels like there's like a lack of communication. You said the before with the other woman like you guys just didn't address anything pancakes like there was no conversation of getting in or out of it. Like it just seated because that a theme or is that just like a one-off with her didn't quite think about that yet. I think I'm just going to put that a loop in the pack mentality if your audience can see I am rubbing my beard right now. I will start turning so fast pick anytime. You're still thinking about selling for more than 10 seconds the answers. No thought well, okay. This is probably the compartmentalization sized aspect of my purse like okay the morning that pancakes the pancake girl. We'll call it a pancake girl. I woke up not clear off. What exactly had happened or what that meant and so my I'm a goofball like I'll joke around and so my first thing was I called out to my friend downstairs realizing it probably awkward. I may need to apologize to him later. I'm not quite sure what he heard or maybe hopefully was just passed that with the long story was I felt bad. Yeah and I do that where I feel bad that he was affected by something that I did. And so with that also feel like I needed her to feel comfortable didn't really know her better last night. And so I'm like, hey pancakes everybody and so I made a joke out of it. And so guess what the three of us went to go get pancakes. We had a lot of fun. Yeah having and joking about pancakes and there's something wrong with that. I don't think you need to like have a super serious conversation the moment you get up from a one night stand but I'm saying the fact that didn't happen any time in the relationship because the part that I'm a little baffled on I guess what I really want to do is speak for the women who've been in the situation and ask you what are some signs. Is that a woman can look for if the guy's not really into it, right or are you into it to see how your show it right? I am and when I say that I generally every girl that I have dated. I do treat seriously. I'm actually with respect and I make a point to do that. I was raised that way. So while my communication skills in in the sense of I may not be the first one to be like hey, what are we are? We are we boyfriend girlfriend like I will that's probably not me. Yeah, I will still be open to the conversation and I will absolutely have it and I will Define it as we are. I mean, I think this is an interesting point because I think like I've definitely been here before with like someone I was dating and I think I had a vision of again it goes back to like the way you are versus the way someone else is like I was willing to go like over the top for this person and I felt like he liked me but I never got to like that level with him. So it made me question. Like, how much does he like me? Like, how much does he prioritize me or dead? Just this the way he is like he's pretty just like laid back and she'll and I think that's the part like the way you're talking I would think you weren't interested you're saying you are interested. So it's like how can a woman you're dating like work with you to figure out that you are super into her.

00:30:01 - 00:35:26

Yeah, cuz it just sounds like your relationships can't get to that next level what can happen for it to get to that next level off pause for a sec and talk about mental health mental health is so important and that's why I'm so glad I found better help Julie is the one that actually told me about it and it's a great way to start your therapy Journey with better help. I can get online counseling and connect with professional credible and compassionate counselors in a safe and private online environment that are helps counselors specialize in depression relationships trauma and many other areas everything stays confidential and you can always change your counselor with over 3,000 us licensed therapist across all 50 states and your choice of communication modes including chat tags phone number. Video that are help has made it easy for me to find help and it's just nice to know. I don't have to go through anything alone better help as also quite affordable and for dateable listeners only get this you get 10% off your first month with a discount code dateable. You can get started today. Just go to better help, fill out a simple questionnaire to help assess your needs and get matched with a suitable counselor. And again that's better off. Dateable and use the code dateable for 10% off your first month now back to the shift what can happen for it to get to that next level. I suppose that this wage be a dampener attached to how I am a relationships and a dampener is how busy I keep myself in everything else where it dampens like I my energy like you have so much in your tank package deal with like, you know, whatever is inside of you and so because I invest so much through twelve hours of the day or whatever. I do, you know where it's like, what do I have left? And I do give where I have left and there are plenty of time. Even in this current relationship that I'm in where I've been honest with her like we're going to hang out tonight. We're supposed to go out and have drinks with friends and I'm like, you know, what? Can we just sip on some wine and watch Netflix tonight? Cuz that's my energy level. Yeah. I'm cool with it. So I'm all for career. I'm very career-oriented. However, I think there's like the saying right that's like on your deathbed or you going to think about like the extra hours that you've been clocking or you going to think about like the people on the ones right? Like what happens if all you do is career and the romance and love doesn't end up happening again. Will you feel fulfilled you sound like my dad chat before this? My dad has been on me about this kind of hope he doesn't listen to this because he's going to be like, yeah, I have I have a you know, I want to know know he will not listen to this but I hope so the problem for me is that I've invested I gave up a lot to do this career. I gave up a lot cuz I believe in it and it's something that's been inside of me and I wish that I had started this earlier in my life, but I grew up in an area in which a game. Things like this. We're just not like, you know, why would you do that go get a job at the factory because the factories hiring and they pay good and 401k and all that like no I went after it. And if I fail at this point, I can't fail so that that is part of the drive is that I cannot fail a test at this is why my waking hours are spent, you know, finding the next PATH or working on things that I've already worked on to get them their way and that does not discount the fact that you read some of my scripts and I'm a romantic sap at heart. I do believe in love. Like I genuinely do he wrote a movie about the woman that he was in love with them. Yeah. I kind of did why do you think that you compartmentalize relationship separate from work the right partner could possibly enhance your career and help you achieve those dreams and goals. Have you ever thought about that? And I do because I don't want to be a selfish lover. I don't want to be where it's about my career and not yours. So I want to make sure that whatever I give like whatever she gives birth. Get back. And so that's why sometimes I catch myself dialing back. I don't want to be in a situation where they're just doing everything for me and then I'm not doing anything for them. Do you think that's something that you could just communicate like I think what you just said was very endearing like that passion is really attractive in to someone right? Like is that something you could communicate and make sure that you're on the same page of them not feeling that way and you're absolutely right and that's something I know. I I need to get better at and part of it is that once we talked about it, then it's out there then it has to be addressed and then that becomes like the Crux of that relationship because we had that talk and now we'll Dave give what he needs to give will she match that and then like all of a sudden becomes about like what we talked about. So yeah, sometimes it is easier not to talk about it and figure out as you go along but isn't that any relationship like you stating your needs and someone coming back with it? Yeah, and then that's something yes. Like I said, I need to get better, but I'm not the best about having those conversations and Ed. Always open to them because they come up then guess what we're going to have them but you're open to other people bring your passive. Yeah, very passive in that way. But what if there's a way like this is why we want you to do this experiment. But if we're whole week you're the one initiating these conversations putting love first, I think about my ideal partnership is I don't want to marry or date someone in my industry, but I want to be with someone who can enhance my career because they may give you ideas and you never thought of cuz you're just so in your own industry, right? So two people could actually feed off of each other's energy and help each other's careers rise to the levels that you both want and still be in a great relationship.

00:35:26 - 00:40:14

I agree with that. I think yeah, I love being inspired by a relationship and that is something that I haven't been in a very long time and that is not to Discount the people the women that I've dated there are so many notable qualities about them that have made me a better person I think today but there's something that for me has been missing and I'm open 2 a.m. This current relationship but I haven't been inspired like when I say inspired it's when just getting a text from them or how conversation or that late night. It's 3 a.m. Why are we still up and then the next day? I'm like, I need to write this like yeah so much pressure though in a relationship bring it up because if I'm honest that is what I'm looking for is what days are you doing anything to inspire them? Are you sending the messages that they could write into a film you have to give equal energy right? I have to say I have been told that I have inspired song inspired. I appreciate that also adds another level cuz it reminds me that I'm looking for the same thing and I'm not quite feeling it yet. So I read this article about just like if you want to feel happy and more fulfilled the best way to do that is to compliment people every day and like put it out first to someone else and not expect anything back. So I feel like this experiment would be really cool. To see if like you put it out there to someone in like with no expectation of anything back. Will you start to feel that more of that energy in that filament? And I have done that way. Maybe I need to do it more the contrast though. Is that a lot of the people I've dated are not in the business a while back. I dated someone who was in finance and it was really hard for me to be engaged in that cuz I didn't know how to encourage her out for her spreadsheets. She was passionate about it, but it wasn't something I was passionate about but there's a part of me that's drawn to that. Like I like the idea that of dating someone who is not in the business. I am but still inspires you right off. That's that's hard. It's like that chicken egg. Like are you just with the wrong people and that's why you don't feel inspired or is it that you're not putting that energy out and they're not putting it back cuz they don't feel like you are and it's like a vicious cycle. There. Was this article in the New York Times by this woman who said that she and her husband had these had it like a very disconnect of relationship because he was in like a very scientific role and showed In a very like journalistic role so they could never really relate about their careers. So they just basically list all the things they do every day and that's their way of like connecting until one day. She was like, I really want to know what you're working. Like, I really want to know to the T what you're working on and why it inspires you why it gives you so much passion, right? If he went into this whole story about he thought he was like doing cancer cell research but liked to the very scientific level and it inspired her so much that she wrote an article about it because she was like, it was just so beautiful that the one that talked about. She didn't know what he was talking about. Yeah. She was like, it was almost artistic the way he was talking about it and it became a movie it like in her head and became this film so I think even someone who works in finance, even though you think it's spreadsheets, maybe there's something very beautiful and therapeutic and what they do, it's not what they're doing. It's how they're doing it right and how it affects how they described their telling a story with their data off. Like you tell a story right? I mean it's a say they probably also feel the same pressure with dating someone who's artistic that they probably feel like they need to be more inspirational more creative when everyone has that passion inside of them. Yeah, you are the artist. It's your job to get that out of people that is what you do in life that you tell stories to inspire people to you know to ignite something in them. So why can't you do that in relationships too? That's probably because I need to take a step back and look like listen to the inspiration like Melissa. I've been told so many times David you're you're a great listener and I feel like I am I definitely like, you know, I will I will listen to somebody and I will definitely do my best to give them whatever wisdom. I feel like they need to that moment. But something that Foundation ships are not the best about is connecting not to what they're passionate about and finding a way to balance it because I feel like most of the relationship I am they they want to hear about what I do because they think when I'm dead So interesting and exactly and and that's that's where I'm like I try to dial it back and I want to stay interested in what they're doing and who they are. But it sometimes it doesn't feel Fair even to me when I say fair wage. I realized we went and had a drink and you asked about all my projects that I'm working on today and you didn't talk once about what you did or even though I asked like I did like, how was your day and I'd get the short answer and then it's like so you had an audition how the audition go and of course I have more to say like there's a lot to say about an audition.

00:40:14 - 00:45:12

Yeah, so it ends up being more me than them and I'm self-conscious of it because maybe that's your job to to bring it back. And yeah, we ball conversation. That's not just you. It's any date, right? It doesn't matter what your occupation is. I've caught this happening before though where as soon as I try to turn it to them, you know, you can you can you can feel the other choice of a conversation like volley back and forth. And as soon as I try to redirect it back to what they're doing, then it's kind of like dents part of it is I'm an Entertainer. What's the word I'm looking for. I'm I want to make sure their wage Fun. Yeah, I guess it's so if that means that I've got to tell a funny story about whatever I did that day and then they've got nothing then I filled out with something that makes them smile and laugh and that means that it's seventy 30% for that particular day and then I walk away and I'm self-conscious of it because I'm like, wait a second. I did it again. Holy relate you like someone call you out on a blind date with this guy named Andrew you guys have to listen to the episode of you haven't yet? But it was dating on a whim. Yeah, it was called I do this like performance when I go on dates cuz I'm I can entertain a treat basically, so he called me out in the middle of date was like, it's great what you're saying and what you're doing but like can you just take all that out and just tell me who you really are off? And that's when we really connected was when he called me out but before all that I was like, all right, so funny. I'm so entertaining. I'm so interesting to him. He was like, oh my god. When is this girl going to stop her act? Yeah. She does not need a job. Entertaining to me. I'm just trying to connect with this person or that next level that I feel like you're not getting too cuz one year or so in your head about. Oh, I I can't monopolize this conversation and too long is this person wants to know more about me. But if I bring it back to them they have nothing to talk about. I think those are all just limiting beliefs again that that is limiting you from connecting with someone. Everybody is interesting. Everybody's interesting, but we just have to find ways to bring it out of them. Yeah. Otherwise, they all also retrieve and don't want to talk about and I think this entertainment aspects like I think yeah like you wanting a laugh and have a good time on a date and think positively of that person that way but I think the best dates are when you feel like it's like this deeper connection that's happening and maybe that isn't a funny story like and I do game that balance. I know exactly what you're talking about. What date are we talking about? Like first date or anything? We have any day but first date sure. Yeah first date. Yeah, there's definitely some things that I won't talk about to anybody home. There are some things that I took a year of me knowing you way before I even told her so there is definitely some aspects of my life that hey that's just this here that's here and rent Eliza. Yeah, but it's also where you know, I have to feel like I trust the person. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I I'm like that too. Yeah, I totally understand but there's there's a difference between like all sharing and then collaborating. Yeah. This is this is the thing that I found in my relationships. I used to share my projects a lot. This is like show I'm working on or this is a script I have been looking at and I just share it like, you know, just to tell them what I'm working on but I realized the connection comes from collaborating and been working on the scene. You know, I'm just I'm just saying if I if I were to write a script page working on the scene. Can you give it a read and tell me what you think? I remember I did this with my ex years ago. I had a script come back to me that I was really excited about and I gave it to him and I said, can you just like wage? Mark up everything all your thoughts and it was so exciting for him cuz I've never seen a script before he was like, this is awesome. And then he brought in his own experience into it. We had just like such a great time collaborating on the script. Yep, although he's not in the industry. I totally have that same situation as well. Yeah, like what was your situation? Like, I remember with my ex like I was like debating if I should let me continue the start-up I was running and he had no affiliation to startups At All by me reaching out to him and getting his opinion. That was like when things went up a notch like I think like having a feeling that I was like Consulting in him and trusting him and like really valued his opinion was huge and I did value it even if he didn't have the study relevant experience. Yes Faith took really good point because once someone feels like they're in the shadows of your industry or and what you do then they'll always stay in the shadows. Yeah, they'll always be that co-star dead. But if you can bring them into the foreground and say I value you as much as I value my business partner. Yeah, then that's when the relationship can really get deeper. Yeah, I think that's a nice but there's there is a part of it and granted this probably doesn't work because we've all seen these stories often fall apart the Hollywood stories of like the power couple.

00:45:12 - 00:50:03

Yeah. I've always been drawn to the idea that there is that perfect match for me that has the dry but is the compliment to my drive down the compliment like so if I'm like if I'm here she's here and then when we come together, we're a force to be reckoned with probably the dream but it's also not something that it's just the unit. It's not the Unicorn. It's something you build. You can't have that from the get-go like nobody has that kind of relationship from the very beginning true. You have to build towards that and that comes from communication and talking about birth. Vacations and also open yourself up to the other person. It can't be surface-level. It'll never get there. Yeah building relationship is hard. But once you build a great relationship, it's it's solid wage. It's just so interesting that all of us want this unicorn relationship, but we never talked about how we're going to get it. We don't talk about how we're going to get there. And then we just end up complaining about the dating scene or we end up saying I'm just too busy or making other excuses when we ultimately all want the same thing we all do which is an ultimate like solid fulfilling Partnership of some sort whether with one person or multiple. It doesn't yeah, so that's a good segue to take away is take away. I think ultimately I think when it comes to relationships and dating you get back what you put into it, so you can't expect other people to give you something that you're not also giving to them. Yep, and I'm not saying Dave the U are not giving anything else. Are I think your Baseline great boyfriend giving you the time that you have but what have you just went that extra mile? Like what have you just did that one extra thing that you didn't think you could squeeze time or energy for just for a week. Just try for a week right and see see what that feels like or what have you just opened yourself up just a little bit more like let go of that trust issue just a little bit more, and open yourself up see what that feels like and see how that person reciprocates I think dating right now. The problem we face is we're all just so surface-level with everything. Yep. It's just like companionship this feels great. But ultimately we still want something deeper. We want that connection. So if you want it, you put yourself out there first. Yep, that is exactly what I was going to say that I was a little but I think my take away is like, I think it's it's interesting. It's like we talked about earlier like there's some people that know everything that they were looking for. They have a life plan. They have five year plan 10-year plans all day. Stop and there's some people that have no plan. No plan again. I don't know. What's right or wrong. Like I don't think there is a right or wrong. Maybe there is something of just like at least knowing like what's a priority to you in checking. In fact is am I working towards that like am I making sure that I'm allocating some time for it, even if it's not like all my time just so I can't have a balance and not just have one area my life thriving but really kind of see if there's a way to make them work in motion together. Yeah, Dave, I know there's a lot I know you can come on the show for us to identify a problem. I don't think this is a problem. I think it's more of like let's make curious about why this is happening. Yeah like this why this is a pattern and then what are some ways that you could try and experiment with different tactics just to see if there's different outcome. So like what is something that you've been thinking about just from our conversation? Maybe I shouldn't be dating. I think that's nice. Okay conclusion to come to write maybe you just think yeah, maybe like I'm just not at a point where I should be dating right now. That's okay. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm not trying to break up your mind off. But also I think in the long term it's more fair, you know, so if if that is where you where you'll and then that's where you'll and yes, I know I need to dial back on the work and months or time for personal relationships, you know, when that goes for friendships to wear on you know, I tend to combine the things I think my other take away is like kind of pulling out the passion like we talked about like wow, I love this idea that like for so long I had fixated like oh I want someone to have this career and that career and then I kind of just like with like no, I don't really care the end of the day what their career is. I just want them to be passionate about it. Like I want them not to just go to work every day. It's something they have to do but like really be excited about what they are doing and I think like we've talked about it here and like I've experienced She was like, I don't necessarily care what they're saying, but it's like the way they're saying it. So is there a way that you can either present that to your partner or have them pull that out of you somehow and that's where you like can form a bond over not necessarily what the specifics are but like the shared passion.

00:50:03 - 00:55:01

Yeah, and when it comes to passions, I think people use that word like oh my God, I'm just so passionate about I don't know something like obscure hobby. It doesn't even have to know a passion could be like for me. I'm very passionate about sushi. If you get me time Sushi, I light up and down family happy about it. And that's something we can kind of tell her. I'm actually hungry for sushi right now Sushi after this the passion. I don't think we need to put that much pressure on a passion doesn't need to be a hot dog is just an interest something you really really like and then back to like Dave you're you're a Storyteller. You're a creative writer. I think about everyday. What is my school? My life script, what does that look like if I were to do a screenplay on my life? What is a plot? And I I don't think I wouldn't watch a movie that had a plot about how someone got to a point in their careers. Like that would just sound super boring to me. I think the career part is sort of a subplot that's interesting. But the ultimate plotline is how this person found a very fulfilling connected deep relationship. That's a plot. I want to go after so when I write my own screenplay that's every day. I feed into that that plot well also speaking of that. I think a place you probably wouldn't want to watch either is just someone just happens to fall into whatever gets thrown at them. You want to see that person go after something like whenever that is like you want to see that life that passion right? It's like Bess energy and passion and like just kind of going with the flow and being like I could take it or leave it like isn't that passion? Yeah. So any more passion in my life? No, you suck. Passionate you just need to show a little more you're passionate about work. Like when you go after your work projects would have you dip that for like a girl off or what if the way you talked about a girl you change that script that's an easy. You are a scriptwriter instead of saying like what you said earlier legs happened to them like have her hand in mine. Like tell that story differently. Well, okay granted. Those are just two stories. I will do like I love being creative on dates. I love like doing fun things or finding like I love surprises, you know, I love dating someone who can accept surprises like hey, you don't know what's going to happen. Guess what? We're going to have fun tonight and you're not going to know until it happens kind of thing. So I do like that, but I'm also not the best at making but I wanna see that side of Dave and I want to hear about that like before all these just it happened to me just by accident. Yeah, and it's not about you. Keep thinking. About you keep saying this like dating takes away time that you need to ration out your time. And dating is like the yeah place you're replacing that's very mad. Maybe the time is not about like you planning the surprise, but I think it could be as simple as hey, you're the first thought in my mind when I woke up this morning simple text like that that took no time at all. We have David Kruse on our podcast that talks about just putting like Post-it notes around as like a surprise that takes what takes 2 minutes. I'm that elicits passion off. Like I'm I'm So Into You it also like I don't know. I know you're busy, but I don't buy the whole time thing because like I don't worry for years to have no equate this to exercise for years. I was like, I don't know if I am I am to like go to the gym or run and it's like, oh it takes like 20 minutes. Like what is 20 minutes in the scheme of like your whole day nothing nothing. Like I think there's always time you make time off. You want to make time for absolutely so you a question of the day? Yeah. Okay do it. Question of the day this one comes from Roxy. She says I met this great woman who I have been spending a lot of time with but she keeps referring to me as her friend not her girlfriend. We have an intimate relationship. So it's not like she's friendzoning me. I'm afraid to have the DTR because these comments make me feel like she isn't looking for relationship or doesn't want a relationship with me. Should I have the talk? Anyway? Yeah after yes show me like I'm a convert and talk make the time posted note if the guy that refuses to keep telling you that the top of the top done and it's very back. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? You're already questioning and writing into us see might as well talk to the person that you're actually in the relationship with. Yeah, and I I feel for you Roxy. I've been there where I'm just constantly trying to guess where this relationships going. Is he calling me his girlfriend to his friends? His family it's about you and this other person. It's not about anybody else. So if you're trying to get clarity you need to ask that person.

00:55:01 - 01:00:01

Nobody else can give you that answer. So yes woke up at all. And I mean you already feel like she doesn't so it's like either you'll be confirmed and you'll save time you can move on if that's really what you're looking for. Or maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe she's like Dave and like what wearing really? Yeah sure over just like she doesn't show things necessarily the same way that you show things. Maybe she's not as verbose as long as you are and maybe that's okay. It just means that you have to like better understand each other. Yeah. Hello. I'm noticing that communication seems to be the biggest like from our conversation. And from this question came out for this. What do you mean and like an app to help you communicate? Yeah in relationships, then you definitely can't communicate with you need it out to help you communicate with I mean like like birth. Have the DDR conversation a reminder of my checklist. It's like groceries finish this project ftt. Our conversation with girlfriends know how this world works. I appreciate it though. The communication is something that we talk all the time and it's lingering never taught and it's something that's probably the most fundamental part of relationship in the hardest part. I think like we talked about a little earlier. It's like I've struggled with this too is like communicating my kids not feeling like that's going to overtake the whole relationship or just having a healthy dialogue is so important you have it's so difficult. Isn't that what keeps us blocked in a lot of like not just dating on ships. But any relationship we have where we pulled back we tend to hold back on what we're really feeling or thinking like that's just it's a human thing. Yeah, totally is we're afraid of being rejected or hurt or dead. Like there's so many reasons. Why and I okay now. It's all coming back to what you guys were saying to me is that yeah. There's a lot of reasons probably why I'm not the one to bring up those kind of conversations because once you have those conversations can be hard. Yeah my God, are you having an epiphany right now? I don't know how the conversation said the Kleenex right there any appointment spots before we wrap up this episode? I do want to give a shout out to the two women you mention in your stories. I don't want them to be portrayed as roadkill because I had a I've been there I've I've held a guy's hand thinking that this was going somewhere and I've I've done all of that too. I don't want these women to be portrayed in a way that were mocking them or making fun of them. It's just we're just talking about these stories in a way that how they happen from. I think it's awesome that they went and I'm still convinced that Dave is giving some sort of cute like he dead. Red and green light. Yes. I'm like a twitch like like he is winking at you sometimes so he's not really your so unaware until Thursday. Are you on your body or asking for the record these two women? I'm still friends with and they're adorable. They're talented. They're amazing people. I know and I hope they never listen to this. This was more about you than them. So yeah, exactly shouted them out right now you go ladies, but I'm glad we talked about this because I think there are a lot of people out there who are very similar to you who are going through the same things going through the motion going in emotions. We're not saying there's a problem. We're just saying maybe rethink things a little bit and see if there's a different outcome. We do the experiment we have would you do it one week one week of your life week. You only have to carve out twenty minutes a day. That's it. Do you work just make dating top of your 20 minutes or dating? That is yeah. Just see what happens. Maybe that's on a date trying to go a little deeper. Maybe it's texting first thing in the morning doing a surprise. You said you liked surprise us would like I'm asking a question a deeper question. Yeah, that would be kind of interesting. Okay, maybe 5 minutes is for self-reflection. Yeah, whatever that means to you, but I think you get home. Hired by words, so maybe if you just put it down on your check list of things to do if you wake up in the morning, and the first thing you see is one dating just see what what that inspires you to do or love but love them as number one to see when you whoa. Whoa rewind you just used the word but simply so scared to log in so many other ways. Yeah, like reaching out to your parents or like try and it doesn't even have to be romantic. Yeah. We're just on my relationships in general. I mean, I talked to my family every day. So I'm not a problem with it. I just seem like what love just putting that word out there and see what that inspires for a week for a week 7 days Monday through Sunday.

01:00:01 - 01:01:59

Yeah weekends including tax included absolutely some low commitment very low. Come on and I was able to hold you accountable other than your dog a d she's like, I love of birth. Okay, we'll wrap this up and but we do want to give a plug for what you're working on. So tell everybody why you're important in the film Community here. Oh, wow. I don't know if I'm important but I try to be and I try to walk good people. So we're doing a couple of projects. We got very filmic, sir coming up collaborators or creators in the business or want to be in the business, you know, the founder of Bay Area film mixer, correct? Yeah mixers are great way to go and just if you're not in the industry I encourage you to go because you just meet people totally different than when you're young you on a daily basis. You might be getting inspired some by some creativity. Sometimes they do screenings. It's just a great way to get into the creative Community here true area. We are doing a screening for this one and it is real life from actors and creators here in the Bay Area. So it's a chance to see like who's doing? What here fabulous? Okay. We're going to wrap this up. Stay home. Want to continue the conversation first follow us on Instagram Facebook and Twitter with a handle at dateable podcast tag as in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts wage then head over to our website dateable podcast, there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y Series, where do I select analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify Apple podcast Google Play Over cast Stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.