S9E2: Dating the CEO of a Startup Part 2

Dateable Podcast
August 20, 2019
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
August 20, 2019

S9E2: Dating the CEO of a Startup Part 2

We discuss the right partner becoming your #1 teammate, how work factors in, and when founders commit, they #commit.

Dating the CEO of a Startup Part 2

Listen as we check in with Josh about his journey from not having time to date as CEO of Monday Motorbikes to getting engaged to his fiancé. We discuss the right partner becoming your #1 teammate, how work factors in, and when founders commit, they #commit.

Sponsored by Audible Escape for FREE month and then $12.95/month afterwards

Native Deodorant for 20% off your first purchase by using the promo code DATEABLE.

Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 2: Dating The CEO of a Startup Part 2

00:00:00 - 00:05:13

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of data. All a show all about modern dating we have a repeat guest because as we always like to stay updated with what our guests have been up to. How have they developed. How being on dateable changed their lives because because you know we are live teaching clearly all fi whatever you hear his his little giggle that's. Josh said he's been on her show before he was on season. Three episodes sex in an episode called dating the c._e._o. Of the startup is thirty three years sold now originally from nebraska currently living in l._a. He's been there for nine months which needed not no till some of these. These pictures popped up julia the tax at each other said josh live to l._a. Win of this happened so congrats on the move but what's even more wonderful about about this catch-up session is that josh has some news for us. He is now engaged and that's partly why he moved to l._a. We're at least i'm assuming i'm just putting words in your mouth but before we get to that i think it's important to recap. Joshua's episode in that episode called dating the c._o. Or <unk> founder basically which the <unk>. Josh told us that he had no time to date. He said he is married to his company. Which is monday motorbikes of their killing it right now. We saw aww speak at south by southwest recently so you know josh made it very clear. I'm not in a state to date a married to my company. My kids are my staff. I live and breathe my company and i am there all the time and there's just no place in my life or a girl right now and will was so surprising rising to both julian i after this episode aired was how many women reached out to josh tried to change for such a typical story of finding a project and trying to make it better. I don't know if you have a total headcount josh but i would say to the double digits jets of how many women reached out to you to say i can change your mind you know make maybe just haven't met the right person. Do you have a headcount. I just curious how many people reach out to you not my head. I don't think that typical journal on your wall no what i you know what i will say is was surprised by the number of people but also encouraged right <hes> when we talked we talked about that. It's really tough because i can't be out there all the time trying to play the dating game not something i have time to do but if something comes across like that seems appealing than absolutely there's no the reason why i wouldn't do it but they also have to understand like dating <unk> with children rain. It was amazing to me that you know we had some conversations with a number of people that i can up top of my head and i just said hey listen glad i appreciate it. I feel they took it pretty. Well and i would say that if they're listening than like kudos to you like it was amazing to be although i take the guts and be like hey myself out there at least in san francisco. We'll see how it goes to l._a. Most of the time people aren't like putting it out. If you're the peanut yeah the most of the guys doing the pursuing it was really really interesting and kind of a breath of fresh air. You were definitely the most reach out to gassed. I think that we've heard but i guess we also this off. The record burn allowing people not us but johnson. Let me just get something clear here. Okay i commend you for being very diplomatic dick in your response to this but come ladies. We've had so many single eligible men on the show who said i am ready today. I'm ready to settle down registered family. You've got zero right able reaching out to them so yes. I think it's great that people can have the guts encouraged reach out to some of the takes you like they connected with hearing what they had to say but also at the same time we got really listened to say was that you're not freddie. Story is i am not ready. I don't want a girlfriend right now. Maybe we should listen to that and find someone who is ready but obviously things have changed yeah sierra. You are now engaged you from. I am married to my company to now. I'm still married to my company but i'm engaged to a human getting married to a person yeah also married till you're an poly-amorous relationship you you and your fiancee meet away with your bike.

00:05:15 - 00:10:36

Bikes rumors cut from the show. I'm just getting <unk> ads from a high level. I got i got introduced to mike beyond say through a former employee of mine <hes> who's dating one of her college classmates susan recruiting. They said hey listen. There's someone who has really good network out there. Jackson's good data meet you guys should connect and she reached out hunting story. She's awesome she. We had it like three times every time by the time i was able to respond she would be like. I'm leaving town again because she lives in l._a. It was kind of like game where she looked coming down and then i'd finally go get to having available time and said like okay. Let's get together now because i thought it was more going to be a hardcore recruiting niche which we get all the time but because that she was friends with person that we knew common made the connection a little easier so we got together and <hes> many starbucks had a really fun meeting. You talked about networking recruiting recruiting <unk> what we need and and as company. She bought her bone to try to show me where she's headed to next. She's trying to fiddle with maps. This dang phone was wrong. This maps like you should be used to and she goes. I just got this the other day. I just don't know how to use it was were using. It says a flip phone and i'm like. Are you engaged on an eighty year old woman. That's people miss the point of view grass really though i'm like oh my gosh so like i bring my chair over next year. I'm like okay. This is the app store. Can you can download an app year these calculator or use a flashlight and starts laughing. She's like with you. I've i've had this iphone in everybody at starbucks like there's like four dudes who think she's the hottest girl ever and they're sitting there laughing at me for getting roasted in the middle starbucks the thing that they coffee turns out that i also get roasted so that showed me that she had a really good sense of humor into this thinking that it was business have any intention for to be romantic. Also one hundred percent business attractive people come every day. I think like look says one thing that it was really the personality and the a laid back as well. I guess that really was like <hes>. This is nice. We'd she's reached out for months and we finally got together. It's not like she's like. We need to get together now or else. You're gonna miss out on this great opportunity. You know whatever. I guess we missed you. We'll see so there is a difference between a fleeting connection and finding finding someone who has a potential for longevity. At what point did you think hey this could be something beyond just flirtation it or how did even go from from business too personal. I think julie's on point here <unk> from his just a personal home then you went from business. Personal nikki came over with one of her coworkers to to go to the office. We said we get on some bikes. Gopher rip was gonna be awesome and came over and they went for ride introducing some of the team they said hey. Let's go get dinner and i said we can get some actual office cleanup in organizations today and billick. What do you need to have done and i have to do all this stuff can take like two and a half hours. They said hey if we help you. We come to dinner with us hand calculating time in my head right in the respondents. We talked about like the fact that your your time time is limited in that. If somebody can give you your time back it's beneficial day they did that. In then we went out to dinner and i went to go pay for the chek started taking care and that level of independence <hes> was another thing that was just really refreshing and i was like there's the level of independence there's the level of co activity and end the personality that was on the first day man that really combined to say like this is interesting. I want to know more cheering up as we started talking right she lived in l._a. I lived in san francisco go. It's time went on we. We would find time to you know tax or call. It was just a fun time. There's nothing like barrick stressful about it and one of the things we did that. I thought was pretty interesting and i didn't think it was too interesting until people like there's no way i knew that she was like hey listen. I live in l. a. You live in san francisco so like this long distance thing thanks tough. I just don't know if you really wanna go through with this process and like get to know each other and get in deeper tournament argument as to whose idea this was i since i'm speaking in the podcast. It's it was my idea. I said listen. Tell me the ten biggest secrets that almost nobody knows in your life right given the good the bad the ten then worse things about you. Start there a couple of days later. She sent me a tax in gave me the top ten list of things that that may turn you away from relationship the goal was you know that we talked about was if these aren't things we can't get over then so at least we still like each other people but we won't get into a deeper relationship and find doubt something later which i think in a lot of relationships people tend to do like people put on this really big show at the beginning in owned by the way i have five gets you know the dating take on the penguins as best i it was probably a couple of weeks in we moved quick quick because i feel that a couple of weeks in and still sharing those information is is tough.

00:10:36 - 00:15:14

I mean it's almost easier to share information with someone. You don't really know mclean mclane wind at this turn non platonic. It's a really hard question. I don't know when did you guys kiss. We kissed probably about a month and a half two months into the relationship or into into each other. Sorry got it okay so as soon as you guys kissed. You knew that this is no longer just about business obviously for you to jump into something romantic. It has to be very well thought out especially considering how little time when you have so what changed in this time in your life that made you open to a possible romantic relationship. I don't really know if anything changed. Necessarily summarily just that the ingredients were there right. It was a long distance relationship which meant i didn't have to go see somebody every single day or every single week securely phones or purely texts and that win time came and i was going to l. a. or she was from cisco we could meet and be with each other and i think that at level creative of our that level of interaction created comfort in that there wasn't a wasn't something that really made me feel guilty in the inability to go like spend time with someone that i wanna get in new orleans relationship with <unk> we're so far apart and instead focused on emotional and social aspects of how we interact i think our communication had like a very very strong foundation of our relationships so when you're long distance and we've heard this from other long distance couples to your time apart is actually very productive because you get all your work done in your work apart so when you do come together are it becomes quality time and you're intentional near present so sounds like this is what really worked out for you kind of by accident but it's a nice kind of transition into a relationship wasn't a mayoral transition. You're so. I guess like though when she came to town to l._a. Like i guess what motivated you know. The last conversation we had there was so much around to seeing tight for time making time for people like what was it that need you wanna put in that effort instead. She made it easy. I think is probably the easiest way to say it like. I think that there's a lot of people in relationships to have a tremendous amount of needs or a tremendous amount of dependence and that's not something that i'm excited about the anybody's <unk>. Maybe some people are khayyat. You're listening. I don't answer your tax technically told more times like no there's very few people on the planet but like that and i feel that the level dependence that was there made made the comfort level much higher made it easy to be like hey. Let's let's engage. Oh by the way like a calls coming in. I have to go right and you know there's times. Where so you try to date somebody in your in that type of situation where you located calls coming in after ticket. I gotta go in the next scene. Get like a snarky text message like i'm still trying to figure out the the the button that was pushed because i think some of the women who may have reached out to you after the show could also argue. Hey i lived in l._a. I offered you a my couch of you wherever in l._a. We could have done a long distance relationship. What was it about this wattenberg. You felt like you were ready to dive into it will. I don't think that we didn't enter into that like with the goal dated that wasn't a goal and so that created a level of comfort immediately and then all those things we talked about from a personality productivity assigned compounded this level of attraction and then just having straightforward conversation with saying like hey. This is what's one of the worst things about you. Help me understand those things was another piece and i think the final piece was that our personalities really jived and and because we had that distance and we had the opportunities cities in a semi business sense we were able to get to know each other without any ulterior motives ranked to something that were people getting no other. You're in a relationship or so. You didn't feel like i was daunting or taking you away from your work yeah yeah and in a neighbouring anything changed with your work during this time might did you get more or like comfortable with where you were at the same as when we talked last time time for a break so we can talk about audible escape. We know you love listening to dating stories on dateable and now you can listen to thousands of love stories with audible escape a monthly subscription that provides unlimited listening to thousands of love stories lose yourself in the most popular love stories of our times.

00:15:14 - 00:20:01

Are you reading watching romantic heart warming stories already. This will speak to you. I i recently started really listening to sense and sensibility a great classic that reminds you that romance is not dead with over eighteen thousand titles to choose from trae audio escaped gaped now and see where it takes you join the community. Listen for free for one month then it's twelve ninety five a month after that with unlimited listening download the app by visiting audible dot com slash escape to get started now. That's audible eight u. D. i b. l. E. dot com slash escape e. s. c. a. p. now back to the show since anything change with your work during this time might get more comfortable with where you were was it the same as when we talked last time in terms of white responsibilities that nature. We're just like guests stress responsibilities. The whole shebang is i think at the beginning you were probably what was it like a year or two in ohio yeah so my stress level was high then we were actually in the middle of a lot suit by yamaha at that time like a stress was so high and i think that bitcoin does a really good job of de-stressing when we come come together. It's it's such a positive time and when we eat a meal it's just like two people in the whole she tells the slow time but like we'll be over hanging around route just like stop. You're embarrassing me and it's like i'm so sorry i don't mean noon barracks you by doing something you fee but you're the only person is eager. No-one else exists other than other uh-huh and that's not that's changed ever since we've mad and so from stress level lowered and we obviously have a tattoo in two years. Was there the law at least not that julia like your facebook status in spiritual. Have there been any other people you'd data like. Were you more actively dating before her or was it really the same as before of not being in the dating scene just happened to be because of her like there were attempts to the date and then there's like playing south but i think there was one attempt and this person was just really really needy and it was just like i gotta go get shut down and i'll always my hand and say that ghosted so ghost into those yeah yeah i mean i wouldn't. I wouldn't even call it that in her eyes maybe but in mine it was like he's just trying to figure it out. I give give it like maybe a month or two with our part of the reason that the ghosting was that in the relationship there was already so much like what you do away not responding who you talking to you why you after not called the those like i'm not going to answer these questions and i knew that once it was like this isn't gonna work in this. I was long distance too by the way that it'd be like why tell me more. It's like i don't need this level of stress. In my life you live in a different city like jump in the pool and superficial there. You're the girl that josh ghosted and you like to be gaston. Dateable exit interview with josh. We've unhappy is that she got. I want right now. Pretty much sounds like the story was not needy in the slightest. Were there times times that like she would text you wouldn't reply or were you just sell into further that did not happen. No there's times attacks and in their by a lot and sometimes takes hours. I think the understanding entrusted in relationship is like available and i see it rang then of course i will and and if not then i have like six hours to come home i can. I can hear it in person so i don't think there's ever been a time where it's been like a log a process of response from text including like when i was in china and we weren't engaged like did a pretty good job of like texting within like a day or two given the fact that like everything shut down over there. We're some of the other challenges that you've faced in terms of work life balance <hes>. I didn't really have because these answers like. I didn't really have a life. Let's look like i got a little bit of a back. I guess i just felt less stress. Nothing really changed within a work. Life balance still work the seaman hours and still work really hard. It's just now that i now have an extra teammate you know instead of having to think about my day or my week like every week as an example we spend and an hour or two doing laundry great you know. Let's call it two hours. Now you can divide that workload by half. Now you double it but at the same time like someone else can do that. Pick up the slack so we'll have updates on down days.

00:20:01 - 00:25:03

I think she's done a really good job or does a really good job of making a house a home and and making you feel comfortable cigna hollywood you incur i as a teammate with these other women you mentioned were almost like a hindrance right so it's like yeah interesting. The way you described dating before was that people were going to take away something from you like they're taking away time. They're taking away energy but the way you describe your relationship with victoria is that she's adding into your life. She's almost giving you more time and more energy which i guess what we ultimately want in a partner especially as founders of very slowly replace to be with your in all the time but i think what i'm curious about which julia i'm really surprised. You haven't asked question the count how many months it's been gary cure. She loves sidelines so surprised she hasn't asked yet. I know her less less. You'll all time line. I'm from the time you to decide to pursue a relationship with each other to the time when you decide to move to l._a. And to engage matt. Let's just go down that timeline yeah i was gonna ask the defines i know her so so we started getting relatively really serious into it in a within a couple months i moved down to l._a. After our company got acquired by a private equity in services team in texas and and with that came a little bit more. Let's call it like financial freedom and also the ability for them to say like hey. What are your biggest challenges this and running a hardwood company in san francisco is like people say harbor. It's hard like running harbor. Company in san francisco is also like hard specifically for motorcycles recycles. There's a couple of companies out in the bay area but they're not in the middle of san francisco especially with the rental prices like you know like i take my motorcycles and they'd be like twelve hundred dollars to go fix some stupid we actually decided we would move closer to the port of long beach where we get a lot of our components into bullard bikes in in touchdowns by chain requirements days and cost and also like a pay someone between fifteen twenty five dollars an hour and they're not like it's other second job. You know they can have that him yeah okay. That's a livable wage made more sense to move move everything down. Don't not this point was victoria factor. She lived in l._a. Or was totally independent. She was a factor in my mind. I think there's so many things pointing me delay including the san francisco rand. I was like like all right what l._a. Pointed out about financial freedom is a really important huge because union said at one point you were sleeping at at the office. How are you supposed to bring girls back to the office money to date an issue. I mean the end of the day like when you're getting something like this off the ground. You're putting everything into it. Let's put it this way even elon musk when they're doing some of the success was sleeping on the factory floor and interesting we all must but the point is like komo that occasion that goes into some of these endeavors and for someone to go through and and look at that and not and not judge you you know it's it's a very hard behind like not to knock san francisco but monoxide francisco like the sometimes the dating scene out there is just a little of two little much and like it's a lot about what you do and can be showing a lot of people. Don't see the <unk> effort that goes into it. I love san francisco l. but i also i see where you're coming from but i would. I saved there are some similarities between the tech industry and hollywood is the same thing you think people become famous overnight or they become successful tonight. It's the same thing in san francisco so it's kind of like <hes>. It's interesting that you found someone in l._a. Who's probably sick the l._a. The house should knock on top. Timelines is net when you decided to actually make this relationship. You know you have this conversation. Let's put all the worst things out air like how did that. Even i think it's really it's like this grey zone or another graze warlike. Let's call it a grey zone because i don't think anybody maybe people do it but like hey we boyfriend boyfriend girlfriend or will you be my girlfriend. That's not something that just kinda tend to like each other you gravitate towards them and so within the time spectrum like let's call it like navy three to four months that we decide like after four months. He started to sit down and say like hey. This is something that we want to pursue and inept three to four months. It went for business non. It was a really big attraction thing i can't. I can't speak on her behalf but pretty quickly. I mean not like again. I don't need recruiting services. This is not something that we need before.

00:25:03 - 00:30:08

You guys even man yeah no. She looked like beforehand before we met in person yeah i did. I mean after after months of reaching <music> out it was kind of like i guess this person so yeah we. She looked like new life that play into meeting her in the first place. No i think more the the connection of befriends played into her back on the timeline so moving to l._a. How long did that take for you to make that decision was based upon the relationship so it's really based upon on a time line from a business standpoint so that was nine months ago in the spectrum of our relationship balance after about a year or so to engagement fan six months after moving here so a year the guy's dated long-distance six months in persons that that's alright julian timelines site wrapping this right now very is she's literally. She's gonna make us into a diagram as a wedding present so when you move l. a. did you guys been together immediately immediately okay. That's a pretty big step to go from long distance to now living in the same house as with with each other so were there any challenges with that. I mean it can be a challenge or anybody right. Yeah i think at the end of the day again we put i work a lot <hes> <hes> so it's like hey this person's here but they're kinda not here and it was just really nice because instead of moving to l._a. In trying to find a play jason you have to realize as you're moving company. You're also trying to find the location in which you are going to be operating at a for the rest of like the decade in some cases running because a lot of these leases are like ten year leases and so you don't wanna go in and be like hey here's where i'm going to live and then all of a sudden you're trying to base the decision vision as to where you were office. Location is based on proximity to where you live you don't want that to play and so really made things a lot easier because we will the move in or are they will move in with her <hes> and a roommate who's also awesome and take that you know factor that has potential to come into play of like hey what's my commute look like instead i can always is move later focus solely on business again. It was just like this really helped promote the focus so he moves down there with her like did you. Were you thinking thinking marriage at this point like she was the one or when did that realization. I think any time maybe this is just the midwest nebraska guy guy in me but like i don't i don't enter into relationships and thank white oh boy. This is someone i would wanna see if i marry like let's destroy around for three months. It's a waste of time like that. South amir will do so. I really started thinking heavily about marriage probably breen months after i moved here okay back back to our original conversation from the last episode the first episode that you were on we talked about prioritizing work and life and at that time you were prioritizing work and i feel like when you met victoria you are still prioritizing work. Obviously you are under business circumstances. But what advice vice would you give to people who are trying to achieve what you've currently achieved which i think is a nice balance of prioritizing both work and your personal life. How how did you get there. I mean it almost feels like you fell into it because you found the right partner but like how did you get there. Let's take another break for a deep inhale. What do you smell. I hope you small anything but your armpits right isn't it time you graduated of the same deodorant brand you've been using some high high school checkout native deodorant made with simple cleaning ingredients that truly deliver no wonder they featured on the today show good morning america and pop sugar sugar. I recently switched from the lavender and row sent to the coconut vanilla after being inspired by the beach is smells amazing. If you're not into scented deodorant they also also unscented as well. I love native because it doesn't contain any aluminum which has been linked to some serious health issues so now's your chance to try for debut. Listeners only get twenty percent off your first purchase by going to native deodorant dot com and using the code dateable at checkout again. That's native deodorant dot com and use the code d._a. T. e. l. e. at checkout for twenty percent off your first purchase now back to the show. How did you get there almost feels like you fell into let because you've found the right partner but like how did you get their low. I think in terms of advice and also in terms of how we got here is like super serendipitous because i wasn't looking for a a partner. Everyone's like oh when you're not looking in the person shows like maybe in terms of like work like balance and what it brings like if you find someone that makes a situation where one plus one doesn't equal to said one plus one equals three or one plus one equals then.

00:30:08 - 00:35:09

It's a good match right. You know what that really means is that a combined entities create something greater than itself and that's really what i found with her out about myself and my learn to prioritize highs but also things that i was able to to bring to the table and for people that are in the same situation trying to get that work life balance like you know find someone who's laid back and find find someone who's committed to you and your success just as much as you're committed to them in their success as an ask you what's her work life balance like oh my gosh she. She works so hard. I'm i'm blown away by your work ethic. She works pretty long hours to whereas sounds like she works quite a bit as well. A member on your last episode associate asked you like would you date a female founder and he said no because nothing whatever happened and it sounds like victoria put in the effort. How is it different with her versus. Someone else that works well because as a founder you kind of it's like work harder fail. She's already doing i'm very well and so it sounds like if she pulled back ten hours a week that it would end in zero and so from that regard. I think that's what he's really really nice is that we don't have a brady bunch situation where a founder has their their employees either kids that i have my employees. I e mike kids and we bring them all together and it's like now. There's just so much complication there instead. It's if she wants to she can but she doesn't have to that to me is like something that i find very valuable valuable in that you know she chooses to work hard and for a lot of founders after they do it. They can choose to work hard but at the same time there's a uh-huh speaking from experience here. There's times where you just don't want to and you just gotta push. I felt like you guys just have very similar work ethic but at the same time she's not got married to a company as much as you are so it makes a nicer to have that on that side and you know everyone wants to know is the timing or is it the person it's the million dollar question. We keep discussing this on the podcast. I'm sure victoria's amazing. She sounds amazing but a a lot of this has to do with timing while she came in at the right time where you were just starting to become a normal person in your day-today work mark where things were coming together. Things were coming into place. All stars were aligning and also this move down to l._a. Couldn't have been at a better time. It has to be nia combination of both. I think it's because of what was happening at work the timing with that was able to open you up to a potential relationship. Yeah i guess hypothetically inadequately <unk> not so hard to say in retrospect but wait where you were when you first talked to ask miss this lawsuit happy attention to give i mean probably not which is why it took months to actually sit down in the first place so that's number one if i wanna look at purser timing in in my my opinion right and and i think it's all unique right within that spectrum like timing and the person is very very important and plays a role in you. I think it's hard to say like one is more important than the other like. Let's say that you're founder and you're dating somebody and all of a sudden you make a billion dollars. You can do whatever you want and this person's super excited added and they quit their job. You know and you're like man is so great right but it may not be the right person but now money makes life a lot easier and i think in terms of like our relationship there was still things that i was raised with in terms of looking beyond the person so <hes> looking at the family my family's ability ability to say like hey we. We accept this person. We believe this is going to be a good person for you is very important to me so you know regardless of financial situations are timing situations <unk>. Those didn't play a factor third party. If that came back negative have to believe he thinks that i think that that system is lost on a lot of people nowadays but it was very it just really reinforce everything. I feel. I love this. Let's do some takeaways because again. This is one of the most discussed topics in what we've heard and i i have so many takeaways for people who are struggling with this idea of timing and is that the person also this work life balance one of them is. I personally think there's so much to be you said about the context of how you need someone this is why some people struggle with online dating or dating related events or whatnot because if put so much pressure on both people it's basically putting two strangers room and saying you're gonna develop feelings for each other right. Are you feeling it yet. Are you feeling these feelings yet and that's just not how human nature works so i love this idea of like organic relationships that start out as friendship. Were even for you guys. There was a baseline in friendship there in a baseline respect for each other and that's why i encourage everyone not don't get off the dating apps but there are other ways to meet people.

00:35:09 - 00:40:04

You don't always have to go into a situation with a lens of. Is there anybody here that's dateable. It doesn't have to be bad as your intention attention. The intention is to look for other people who are cool that i respect that i don't mind spending more time with and you may not have a connection action or attraction but that could always develop over time. I also liked what you did with each other. Which is a top ten secret then they may be dealbreakers or whatever it may be able to try this out. This is actually gonna sleep time. Just get to the bottom to the bottom of it because like you said said maybe couples can be dating for years married for years before they uncover some of these dark past secrets or even they may not even be dark but at least it brings another level of dimension to this person you are in some relationship with and i liked that just getting <unk> out there and it also helps to promote some sort of conversation between two people to discuss like what i think may be really bad. You may not think either so it's kind of interesting discussion so i really appreciate that but ultimately i just think we put so much expectations on relationships and sometimes those expectations drive the other person in a way yeah and i've been doing a lot of thought work where there's this school thought where we feel like once we have feelings for someone we expect them to reciprocate which which is not the case your feelings for someone are absolutely exclusive of how they feel about neo right so if i feel so much love for julie it doesn't mean i can expect her to love me back. I do but yet by i will. I will create that time line. Julie's that loving but it's not expectations of even when we're dating were brin relationships are feelings toward someone else are independent of their actions that so <unk> buydell we just go into these relationships or friendships without the expectation of some sort of behavior change in the person. You're wet and just like someone purely because you like them. Not because you expect something reciprocate act yup. I think the thing that stuck out to me the most on this is like really really finding someone that adds to your life in looking at relationships that way so i know lake so many times it can be like. I don't want to enter a relationship. I don't have the time to give. I think all of your points around the feelings you had when you were with her and like how much additive you're getting from. This is like so <unk> end. I think especially our generation that is juggling career and all these other things a lot of times. You're not thinking about what the benefits of a relationship are but the right relationship. We'll give you those benefits so i think that was really important. My other takeaway is when a founder commit. He like you made a comment like i wouldn't enter a relationship unless i knew it was a like i felt like it was go somewhere and i think a lot of times seems like we've looked at people and we're like why they met. I don't know personally to i'd rather someone is all in when they actually do and maybe take some. I'm a little longer to get there but when they actually are there no you're liked with canada. Goose like all commit to you until something better comes yeah. I'll see i'm gonna do joon josh so within within the auspices of the top ten the things that may break up a relationship with someone to find out later by doing that. This allows you the ability to go ahead and talk about the things that stress you like. Hey remember. I told you about that at one thing yeah okay. It's becoming worse got it right like i don't have to like have done it overbearing parents <hes> will you know why are you stressed out the overbearing parent a lot of times in in relationships you find that someone's stressed but they also in releasing that stress in helping explain communicate to you what the problem is it. They also have to go backtrack about what the what what the core issue is like. Hey i've got a crazy family and by the way here's the trust me out. It really makes things so much easier because he's a big stress factors that have potential that the people don't want to talk about by having them out there in the open. It means so much easier to move forward avenue. It's very freeing leads to marriage. That's all okay. We're into a very quick question of the day that's when she says i met this incredible guy but he told me right now that he he is too busy with work to really net and his number one priorities startup me sounds familiar we really we really five live and have fun when we were actually together but it often feels like i am low priority.

00:40:05 - 00:45:04

Should i wait for him to come around or look. For someone who wants to make relationship is number one priority takeaway josh that such a binary binary right and i think it leads to loss clearly like this person what if you were able to just ask them how how you can help if that person turns away the help and says like hey listen. I'm good you with a small task like i need help and clearly they don't really want to engage age in that deeper level i think <hes> and so i would use that as the litmus test as to like hey how committed or the potential trap to think that those are your only only two auctions because there definitely are more being helpful and supportive and asking that person how you can be helpful and supportive is an absolute winner in terms of being able to. I understand what they're doing. Hey how can i help you can just work. You're going to have to sit back on on the sideline and like do nothing. I don't wanna engage you in my life any further. There's enough great now your answer yeah. I think he said a so dead on as like even if it's like i'm gonna just keep exploring s but also be open to dating other people people to it. It doesn't have to be an either or however playing devil's advocate that is i think sometimes it is hard to separate if you have that intensive feelings. I'm sure someone so. I'm wondering if this is coming from that side more like if i don't let this person go. Will i ever be able to move on and so i think ultimately that we can't answer that for probably a personal wave how you deal with things but i liked thinking about what josh disad is. Is it actually hurting you to keep this person in your life life and find other ways each with them in if it is and maybe it does need to be more black or white if it doesn't then you could keep it a little bit more great yeah. I think it goes back to expectations right here. Molly says he's too busy with work to really commit his number. One priority is to start up. Oh that's that's pretty honest right there. So are you expecting to be in a relationship with him of you. Are you're obviously expecting certain behaviors from him that he already told do. He's not ready to commit to so one. Its expectations. I will look at that and to for some reason when we enter into some sort of adversity in relationships we think about there's something i'm a better out there for me. There's someone who can fulfill all my needs well. That's not the case so instead of saying. I need out or by exit. Plan what that's really trapping you in your thoughts and the one phrase i keep seeing in mali state ministers. She feels low priority. Our brains are very unfair. In the way it presents presents information to us once you believe a certain thought in keep seeing the same thing so when you think you're low priority to someone you keep seeing actions from that person that are evidence linden's for what you perceive to be the truth in actuality of your your brain is just feeding you what you want to hear. Your brain is your own echo chamber so i would look inside the relationship shipman. Tell your partner. I feel low priority. This is why and figure it out with your partner if they actually are treating you as low priority or not so. I still think everything is internal. It has to be like inside the relationship first before you think about what's my exit strategy here. That's when it gets toxic and why why would you come board me like hey. I feel low-priority clearly. A startup is the number one priority of so many investors and employees and customers who are depending on this person committee. You also have to look through their lands. That may be good piece of advice is just look at the world through their eyes for a moment and understand that there could be you know in our case tens of thousands thousands of people who are counting on us to do our fence and if this percents startup like you can be really high on the priority list you may not feel that way but if you don't understand or you can't see it through the lens than ask them <hes> that may give you some sort of to be cliche but like paradigm shift in saying like holy cow. I'm really really high priority and so that's that's my piece of advice there. That's a good point. I think a lot of times women are anyone wants it just women but anyone in romantic relationship wants to be a priority to their partner but if there's a time that you've had someone solely focused on you and that's all they do and they don't have anything else going on in their lives most timeless attorney us the time you get bored of that relationship jato the <unk> molly might be feeling in this instant i would guess would recommend also with <unk> into hassle rations where you were the number one only priority priority and that actually make you happy now. Grass is always greener when you're in that situation either yeah. I have one more thing at the expense of bingos bingos molly. I'd ask you to figure out what your partners love languages. They understand what that is. I guess at you know acts of selflessness isn't is it gifts gift giving give perceiving like what is the what are those.

00:45:04 - 00:49:12

I love languages that you guys speak and help him understand love languages that you speak for anybody who's soliciting really but if you can understand the language of your partner then and they understand yours. It's very apparent easing for for you figure out if you are high on their priority list. That's a really good point because i think quality of time is in. Everyone's lovely wins especially with startup founders. Time isn't always available so i that's a really good the point that someone could be given to you and other ways. That aren't necessarily what you perceive effective exact right yeah yeah very good point outcomes. It's a complicated someone who wants who was quality time but some keeps giving gifts like i don't want to just wondering right yeah right complicated human being's right each other out and nobody has to figure it out so that's we can rest assured matt. So what is our advice. Hafer have a conversation. It also just don't think about things as personal. I think josh you said this in previous episode if i'm not texting you back within like a few hours. It's not personal. It's really because i am running from meeting to meeting and i don't have time to tighten fat. Sometimes people do things on purpose to hurt us. That's not necessarily the case so maybe the way all he can approach her partner. As i see that you've been really busy i see the delay in your text text messages. How can i help how can alleviate distress versus. You're doing this to me. I'm not getting what i want. Well sounds like that was a clear reason. Why victoria ended up being the one for you is such as opposed to the women that were brian. Push away things for a connecting the dots for us. We've been wondering how this situation turn for you from bachelor startup founder now to engaged startup founder living in l._a. And it's it's really an incredible journey and thank you for sharing your story with us. Josh gladys share and wish you all the best anybody listening happy dating and and have marriage dating happy marriage happy life happy life. Don't forget that for all of our listeners home. We love to hear from you even if the topic that's that's similar to this even if you're the girl that josh boasted no. I'm serious about that. If you're if you're you know they were just trying to make this world a better place then i think she has some things she should learn and and hear from you and maybe she has some words for you. As well split saw take things personally we're just trying to learn from each other like crowd sourced advice and i love these like what shades for you personally even necessarily a clear defining moment as we've found out here could be a series of many things like julie danas last year. She's like at the end of the year. You want to chart your whole year and see what has changed. I just love those time she she does a story map out your life especially year-by-year just to see what changes change sometimes. You're not even aware of timing changes. Personality changes mindset changes to map it out more about okay okay now. We're going to wrap this up. Stay long want to continue the conversation station. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tagged as an any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those was post. Then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts birds. You can also find our premium. Y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.