S9E3: In Reality with Ann Lupo

Dateable Podcast
August 27, 2019
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August 27, 2019

S9E3: In Reality with Ann Lupo

We discuss being consumed with the fantasy of love, obsessing over relationships, and when it’s time to cut situations that aren’t reciprocal.

In Reality with Ann Lupo

Join us as we chat with Ann Lupo about her painful experience with unrequited love that inspired her movie In Reality. We discuss being consumed with the fantasy of love, obsessing over relationships, and when it’s time to cut situations that aren’t reciprocal.

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Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 3: In Reality with Ann Lupo

00:00:00 - 00:05:20

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating topic for this episode is something i can very very much relate to ever since i was middle school and i think i've experienced it every year percents with people who may not even know about this topic and we were debating how to pronounce his is it unrequited love or unrequited love. We've landed from google translate. That's unrequited love but it does the sound weird computers they don't. They don't announce it correctly so an our our guest today. How would you pronounce it. Unrequited the unrequited love point. It's all because i've heard it both ways but unrequited just sounds better if anything we've taught people how to pronounce your welcome people but let me just give a definition of what unrequited love is. It's one incited love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the mirus deep and strong wrong romantic affection or may consciously rejected whether it's just so sad of depressing that is literally every diary entry from my wind. That'll school years it really is. I love that our guests was able to acknowledge that. This was one sided love. When all these two years i was just in denial thinking that these men also had unrequited love for me. They were just too shy to admit so then we know in the land of denial l. but now it's a good time to introduce our guest names and she's twenty eight years old currently lives in l. a. and originally from new york currently in a monogamous relationship and <hes> she made a film about unrequited love. It's call in reality. She's an award winning writer director and actor who recently came out with this film film called in reality that julie had the honor of see. It's about being obsessed with falling in love and all the strife of being single hopeless bliss romantic in new york city in your early twenties. The film has been screened at thirteen film festivals domestically and internationally and has won nine awards congratu. You can also want. I tunes google play and amazon prime video. Actually i didn't have to fact check. I think it's actually actually twenty film festivals down like we can't keep outweighing awards in the last time time. We got a bio from you. Obviously you gave us a little teaser earlier about how your own experience with unrequited love was the inspiration for this film. Let's just get to it. Tell us about experience and what made you wanna make a film about it. So the origin origin of this film was i had been in this unrequited love relationship with a guy who <hes> i talked hooked up with at one point and then he told me that you just wanted to be friends but i had already fallen in love with him naming our grandchildren and a long life together learn and i couldn't accept that he didn't feel the same way about me based on the way that he was acting like we seem to have basic chemistry in x._y._z. Lizzy i was twenty three in so still very much a hopeless romantic or just understanding myself to be magic and i spent about a year hanging out with him and really like becoming obsessed with him and obsessed with why he wasn't reciprocating the love that i had for him even though he told me that he didn't didn't feel the same way about me so after a year had gone by was valentine's day twenty fifteen and i actually saw a video that kind kind of spark the initial inspiration for me to make reality so i was like <hes> you know maybe i could just make short film about this experience because i definitely definitely need to understand it like i don't wanna be in the situation anymore. It's been a year like. I can't believe wasted this long believing something that isn't true. I want to figure this <music> out and maybe i can just make a short film. That would kind of help me figure it out so your therapy session was making a movie yeah. That's quite minds just ice fram productive way of getting over someone ever basically for four years straight because i edited it has a short and not became the proof the concept for the kickstarter on the series and then the series became the concept of the feature and then we shoot the future and then edit the feature and then deliver.

00:05:20 - 00:10:02

It's a long process. That's just what it had to be one of the things that was really cool about the movie. It was just like it took you in like your mind of lake how to deal with the situation like we talked about earlier like unrequited. Love is quite common. You kind of walk us through like just like more of your personal personal experience with this like. How did you guys meet like. Did you date like how did you get in your head and it was something when he didn't we were set up. It's not like you should date this person. Just like you should meet this guy like and so. I went out for drinks with him and it's one of those things. Will you never know who you're going to hit it off off with. We'd like really hit it off and you know from the first state seen it was just like one of those times where we just got along so well and i felt like i had just met a really we special person that uniquely understood and responded to my sense of humor and i wanted to his as well and i was twenty three at the time and end this relates leads still had this incredibly idealized vision of love. I still do by the way <hes> but i had idea that like once you meet someone that makes you feel that way like that must be the person that you're meant to be with right. If you're feeling that then they must feel it too. It has to be reciprocal. It wouldn't feel that way right and and so then we hung out a couple more times than i was trying to keep my expectations tempered but definitely was running away with them as well and then he kissed me at the end of one of the nights that we hung out another big crash reciprocate reciprocating and then we had sex and i was like oh that was basically when i really started to think i thought there was something here but as it turns out that is not always what guys think for. I mean also it's just the times we live in about casual old. Dating and casual hookups and stuff can be really confusing and there's not really an open stream of communication about like what it actually means to someone can get the wrong idea and be led australian in that case that was me and then a couple of weeks after that he told me that he just wanted to be friends and i had gone so far down the rabbit robert hall of believing that he also loves me and that we were starting a relationship that it really shocked me and sent me into a great depression <hes> and and then that's when i started to obsess about it like why does he like me but like what did i do wrong and i started going on in my head about like well. I said this thing maybe if i hadn't said that thing i the and then but we kept hanging out because he in the end like i don't think that he is a bad person. I think we just like miscommunicated and he really hurt me and and so there was that unfortunate human moment that happened but i think his intention was like oh. I wish we could still be friends because we do get along so so well but that was even more hurtful because it it kept in my life and it kept me believing that like because you wanna hang out with me he must also be in love with not like or maybe he's denying something himself or whatever it was that i was concocting because that's the one that friendship went on for about a year <hes> it allowed me to continue to rather than continue to obsess in and build like yeah obsession with him and with <hes> what was not real will will you guys still hooking up during this period or when he said it was friends with did return to strictly platonic chronic which is something that when i tell the story some people are like but yeah i. I still thought that he could be something there. I feel like the difference between unrequited were quite a love and a crush is that a crush is very blatantly one-sided yeah because it's just like kind of from afar but unrequited. I'd love is that in your mind you're progressing the relationship forward and in their mind there probably is some sort of friendship that's progressing as just in a romantic sense and but you look for the signs all my god yeah sign even just like a little look or he gave me a piece of candy today that loves me that that can be a nickname. He kindly my last night. I don't know like really stretched deep for every day yeah. You were hoping that there is they give you these glimmers of hope and i would also say the the people who are the beloved ones on the other side.

00:10:02 - 00:15:02

They're not completely innocent either they. They're aware this is happening. They do like the attention yeah but they're kind of like. I told you my shins so i'm in the clear well. I definitely had a situation. I love that we're saying like middle school but i husband away later yesterday. Okay it's learned from my mistakes a little but i would say like mid twenties. I definitely had a situation again. That lasted did wait too long. I feel like these situations. Do linger like way past for asian date and i remember like the guy was a friend and it kind of started. I think you also like grasp onto the way it started to like. I heard even story and it's like magic their magic. Yes lee so it's like you're you're <hes> grasping onto something that might not be the reality current day and i remember like he flat out was like i don't want girlfriends and somehow in my mind i was like he just hasn't fallen for me to keep good that would be for him. Exactly you justify it like i just yes. My question is like why do we think that we do this. Yeah and why did you keep going with this knowing that you were getting deeper and deeper into this yeah so what came out to not to spoiler alert the movie was that now that i'm like way removed from that experience reinsen definitely in the process of making uncovered this but like i was not having a good relationship with myself and i wasn't giving myself enough credit to be like like well if you don't like me and you're like sticking around like goodbye like i i don't need right. I don't need your love actually and at the time like i really did and i i needed the attention. I needed the love from someone else and i wanted to find someone to be in love with to me that is still the best thing not just romance but like actual reciprocal love. I think the holiest thing that you can do on this earth so i was always like in pursuit of that and every time i thought i'd found it. I i would attach myself so deeply to kind of bring it back to the question. It's like it does take a sense of real l. self love to be able to differentiate between the person that you're lusting after is actually worthy of your love <hes> and if they're not giving you the same same love back or attention back then they're not worth your time and it's not that there's something wrong with you and that was the thing that really fixated on was like there with me and if if i could just fix that thing then you'll love me right i can win him over more of beating myself up and trying to change to accommodate someone else when really there was nothing wrong with me or maybe i did have to grow and i had things to mature but it was on my terms and things that i could have been more loving to myself but i i i was very in a not so great self esteem and that's what i found by the end of the movie was he still in your life during the production of the movie no <hes> the first thing i did when i had the idea to to start even the shorts project about it was i told him about it and that is something that i wanted to do and is he okay with that and he said yes and he's we gave me his blessing but then as it kept growing i wanted again to make sure that he was okay with it and i asked him again and he said you know you don't need to keep asking me about this like you can just go on and do your thing and then from in there i kind of let him go <hes> and we have we haven't spoken or communicated or anything and that's like mainly because i just don't want to disturb him and i don't like that was his request is like so bothered me anymore. He's out there somewhere and i wish all the best like what was the breaking point that you're like. This can't keep going on because like. I think it's interesting that you said like he's not in your life and it's typically like what is it. That like causes this to just be like. This is not worth it anymore. <hes> downs day was just like cliche and everything but it was definitely a reminder of that like well. Ever since middle school has been in the situation. Why why do you keep doing this. It's my situation that i'm in processed guy. I i know that so. I'm the only person that can get myself out of it so i'd better do that and the only way that i know how to do that is to make a movie about it. I like knew that that would be the end of our relationship and i was in that process have to let him go and have to like fall out of love with him. Then what's this back to that means that i love myself more than him which is should be the case. My health and happiness is more important than keeping this person in my life who's by being they're hurting me and i'm hurting myself by being around him. So was there like anything that he did or anything. That like happened that made you have the realization or was it just like shit. It's valentine's day my life.

00:15:03 - 00:20:04

It was gone day. It'd been a year like i was. I had kind of met him around that time so i was just like the <hes> the freaking year of my life even though i had told him that it i still liked him like i had had i had a conversation with him kind of i dunno whatever three quarters of the way through the year that i still had feelings for him and that's good that bother him that we were still hanging out and being so you know like buddy buddy and we had this weird conversation about that and kind of ended. It's like whatever it's fine and then even after that he kept texting me like videos of his travels or like this like engaging yeah no way dude like why are you doing that if you like off if you're tormenta me now so i i didn't again i don't. I don't think that he meant to do that and i'm always on the side of like i'm never going to assume that someone stood out to me because i just don't think that that is a valuable head space to be in. I thinking was oblivious like he was oblivious in or you just knew that i was an active audience for him and that he could get that attention whether he you thought about it in a militia or not. It was just like oh an an will respond to this self serving and maybe it's not malicious or ill intentions but it's still self-serving providing some sort of benefit for him when so now you're with someone new. You're in a monogamous relationship not with this guy. Do you still sometimes feel a little bit of love for him or do you like reminisce about him. Never completely they made a movie about him yeah but yeah i got over him so quickly like soon as to production of the movie started because because i became obsessed with the movie and just making it amazing and like making the best thing that i could make that would translate this experience listen and connect with other people and like basically be the movie that i wish that i could have seen before. I went down my rabbit hole obsession with him. Yeah it just like took my mind and i think that's another thing that i realized i almost went in this direction movie that we decided to keep it more narrative but i wanted to go into like the science behind obsession and how your brain when you you just keep thinking about the same thing it's gorgeous these pathways that keep you in the cycle and when i made the decision to make the movie and had so many other things to think about from the production fundraising the characters the writing everything. I was distracted enough to be like well actually. I don't feel anything for this person more. It became about me. I would also let me know if you feel the same way but like when i was in this situation it took me just meeting. Someone after that i ended up falling in love with that was reciprocal. Call not a one-sided way in basically see the stark difference what your should ship was and then you really realize like this was not real. Love someone now whose like a perfect angel like love my life and my dreams. I'm like oh my god. What was i doing doing like wish that i had known that this is what it would. I mean i guess i i did know that. This is what it would be like. 'cause that's what i've wanted it so badly but like i dated a bunch of other people between the guy that in reality is about an meeting my boyfriend jordan who did the same thing as in reality guy like we dated for a bit i was precautious because they didn't want to like my heart again and blah blah blah evidence that they liked me and then they just wanted to be friends. Go to hell is going on here like even so like looking back on those relationships and realizing that like i was definitely making excuses uses but like i was building up those relationships when there really wasn't that much grounded like oh my gosh. I'm just like all these memories are coming back of middle school not getting hitting the actually this happened to me in my twenties i was living in new york and i think i had this unrequited love while i was in a relationship so i was in this dead end relationship it for five years living with this person and i met someone on <hes> at work and he quickly became this obsession of mine and i quit throughout our affair together whatever it was he kept saying. I don't want to be in a relationship with you. He actually had a girlfriend at the time too but to me. I kept playing these scenes of us. Slow a slow mo on the on the subway hand in hand in union square at midnight because we were hiding from our significant others but in my mind. I'm like oh my gosh. This is so romantic but i think we may be really get over him. Was i wanted to retail this love affair to a friend of mine so i was telling her the story and she kept asking questions like wait. What did he say to you. He said he said he didn't want a relationship yeah and then i would defend him like what are you.

00:20:04 - 00:25:17

His publicist and i was like holy shit no kidding. I guess ending adding him because i i in such denial but i was his p._r. Person like he had done so bad and i was trying to cover it up and she's like you should just retell that story story on edited down. I think a really good point in in in the movie. It seemed like your friends were getting quite annoyed by the constant talk and i feel like i definitely had that situation too. I remember like one of my friends. 'cause i was like just convinced that like we were going to adopt together like when we would literally dislike get drunk hook up. There was no happening and all her like what am i was like. You should go on a real deep. I and i was like that's a slap in the face face but when you're in it you're you're so sensitive to the truth. Yeah hurts like your friends or i'm just trying to help you and the the friendship piece of the puzzle is like a really important part of the story because i needed to show how obsessed with some doesn't i love you affects the relationships new life of people that do love you and why be happy and are trying to help you but you're not letting them because you're in denial and and you're kind of hurting those relationships by not being present in them. There's a question for both of you. Do you think unrequited love is love or is it lost or is it a strong like or is it up session. I have an opinion but i'm the lead angle obsession. The way that i i love jordan is so much richer and so much relearn because it's real and unrequited love is like it's like a drug the diction and it's it's more of a mental state of mind and i mean yeah. There's a lot of science to ever say that love with significant other reciprocal love is also an addiction might initiation of love and like the bubba to talk about the movie that idealize and like at the beginning. I wanted so badly. It is essential human experience. Love like the love that you have for your family loves. You have for your friends the love that like you'll do anything that person they'll do anything. Are you not from like a romantic crazy. You're losing your mind standpoint but from human standpoint and like your relationships are literally all you have on earth like everything everything else can go away but like if you don't have strong relationships you will not be happy and those like should all be built around love in the most pure essential oil like deep down way and so- unrequited love i just i don't i don't buy it anymore. Fuck it. It's not ah would make you feel that way yeah. No i also agree. It's not love. I think like for me. It was at a point in my life that i don't think i was ready. See for an actual relationship so it was all the way i view it is like when i actually fell in love it was i want the best for this person like it's it's lasted in. It's more like i wish you the best where when i was in the unrequited love situation. It was almost like a challenge like ninety two to win something from him. I needed to get his affection. It wasn't even really about him. In the end of the day goes about proving to myself. I could do something a aac validation. Oh you like me now like look at all. The things like yeah right me <hes>. Why don't you like me. I'm so i'm like come on gimme. Gimme the attempt to giving validation but then when someone actually loves you and sees you for who you are and you don't like oh hard totally valid it. That's love you don't have to fight for instance like fully shit since feels amazing. You also have have like your friends to write your like have been like why you we used to call this time with this person. You feel like you need to prove to them that something more yeah. You're not on delusional. Is this is real. So what do you think it gets love so i believe love is a choice by that definition. I think love is independent of the other person's actions. I can choose to love someone who may not love me back also by that definition when i love someone they own me absolutely absolutely not yeah so i do think unrequited. Love is a form of love where you just purely love someone without expecting anything back but what makes an unrequited is actually do expect something back and you sort of result and that's what ends and you're not getting that you're getting your expectations bat andy way not getting enough so i guess like we talked a little bit about obsession and i think like if you were to like athletes telltale signs signs of like when there's a situation of unrequited love i would say like when you have to like repeatedly talk to your friends about every last and over analyze allies hillside yeah i was again walk to the grass is greener.

00:25:17 - 00:30:09

Whatever but i need to talk about about my relationship with i mean talking about. It's you guys right now but like paula. My friends would be like me. Love me today 'cause i i don't need to they need to convince anyone. 'cause it's like personally happening between the two of us. I think that's definitely a telltale sign. <hes> if there is doubt if you can allow yourself to recognize that you are doubting whether or not you two are coming into an equally that's a telltale sign if you're making excuses for him and if you're giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt <hes> it there's not even like an open level communication about like what do you want <hes> <hes> and if you're not able to hear that person say what they want and then believe that like they know what they want. Maybe they don't know but if you were what they wanted wanted they would acting differently so my friend is currently going through a unrequited love situation and i can totally tell the difference between where she talks about this versus like someone who is truly in love with someone <hes> she was say he doesn't even know how good i am for him. He has no idea oh how much better life would be with me is no idea what he's missing out on now. She's never talked about why she loves him like qualities that she looks and how he makes her feel. She never talks about that either so if it becomes petty like that where you're like. He's missing out or she's. You're definitely in a sticky situation so if someone is in a sticky situation like this. How do they get. Let's let's take a quick break there so i can tell you about lola a fabulous female founded company offering a line of organic cotton biki free tampons pads and liners and great news for everyone they also offer sex products to like condoms and lubricant wipes you name it. What makes lois so fabulous in my eyes is that their products are formulated to deliver the sensation and reliability. You deserve without unnecessary irritating additives. You've heard me talk about this. A million times four lowest condoms feel i'm using but there are also made out of natural rubber latex and individually tested for contraception and s._e._i. Protection and you'll know i'm a big fan of the personal lubricant spa because it features a mess free one click pump system with a water based formula made with alex vera and is completely hypoallergenic with lola. You're in charge of the subscription. You want and you get everything delivered to your door hassle-free good news for you. All you get forty percent off your first month. Subscription just visit my lola lola dot com and enter the code dateable when you subscribe again. That's my lola dot com and enter the code dat a._b. L. e. and get forty percent. Send off your first month subscription now back to this episode so if someone is in a sticky situation like this. How do they get one. You got to recognize it for yeah. My friends did their best to help me like figure it out and like the only thing that actually worked with me coming to my own realization and kind of across the board not just with an unrequited love but with like any of your friends that are in something where they're going down the wrong path and like you're trying to guide them but like i just come to the position of like people will learn their lessons to learn them like you can't even with your best intentions like you can give them honest feedback <music> at some point you just have to do you need to figure it out <hes> entrepreneurs. That's where the line is. In there. At the end of the movie was my friends like figure should out exactly and also like when you start to see your other relationships failing and people avoiding avoiding. You're not acting the same way that they were when your friendship is in full bloom and within a good thing that should be a signal or sick of hearing about them. Yes and not like blaming the other person. They're acting so weird. They won't listen to my like ravings anymore. You know like all right thinking about it like maybe i'm doing something that's repulsing them and like making it really hard for them to be around me. I don't know it's interesting. I think some has maybe it's like personality. Type chewed hugh the tends to fall into these situations like i think for me like i am like someone that likes to fantasize dream. Just about all things in life not just love. You've got a glimpse of something like this could be so much like this fantasy and like i think to what and just said you have to go through it yourself and i think i'm so glad i have the situation even though it lasted probably like a year and a half longer than it should have yeah but that's the reality of what happened and it was.

00:30:10 - 00:35:01

I needed to learn it on that time but it's now you'll. I know they'll never stand for again yeah so it's like as soon as you see a sign and you're like wait. This isn't like actually reciprocated yeah. This is not what i wanted. It's not the fantasy that i envision in. That's why the movie is called. In reality yuccas dot is that was my character's situation was like idealising everything like believing in the whole shebang of romance and fantasy disney magic all of that going on the journey to understanding what reality really is and being able to fronted wanted not run away from it into my fantasies into my imagination which is a much healthier place to be able to balance both them like never gonna stop dreaming. Never gonna stop being imaginative person got as one of the again another like beautiful part of life is to be the knicks at aren't real until like push yourself to strive for things that you don't have yet in your life to be able to balance that and also recognize when you are off course and when you are imagining something that is not true and the i think you've you've said it before you a that you've had this. They call the reality. Check where it's like okay like let me write down what is actually happening so then when i'm starting adding to like spin stories off. I can reference that weight. He actually did this like that is not what i'm now telling myself and putting you on a pedestal essentially essentially i used to keep a fantasy folder where i would write these fantasy stories about the guy had a crush on or really liked. I would only visit the folder when i felt like i needed to be in. That space generated nothing so good about myself today. I'm just gonna read in my fantasy folder of stories but then the reality check is really important but my question though is there is kind of skewing one way or the other and you kind of touched upon this to you an i think the three of us are very fantastical in our thinking and maybe we our dreamers creatives and then there are some people who are a little too real yano. Yeah i know like now love doesn't happen. Marriage doesn't happen is like i i'm not sold on this romance thing and you were talking about striking that balance what what are some ways that people can strike that balance because i think there is something great about being a hopeless romantic people say romance dead. How can we bring some of that back. Oh ooh well watched the film. I am <hes> and so i did kind of lose. I romance took a bit in the process making movie because i mean number one i was i wanted to break it down and i wanted to access a a little bit more of a grounded perspective but <hes> kept dating guys that like it wasn't working and i was thinking. I know they're not like done forever but i'm just not going to think about this right now because <hes>. I don't know if this is real anymore like. I don't know if i'll ever find the person that i've been idealising. I don't know if i actually exists and yeah yeah. I'm just not gonna use my brain to think about that anymore. But then once i met jordan and the way that our relationship developed it like is a fantasy but it was actually happening and like wall was happening. I was like holy shit like this cannot be real but it was and he happened. Perhaps proving that he really was as good as i was imagining him to be and it took. It was actually really scary because i was like i don't wanna fall for this anymore like he was running a tree and he was being two million in a way that made me understand that he really understood who i was and he was seeing through a lot of my maybe like math that i put on performance things like we all do to you know deflect vulnerability and intimacy and wants to the point where i was like wow this really really could be that person <hes> and i think he is. I was able to the wall and and speak so direct like we both were speaking so directly to each other. It's like <hes> it was very easy to say. I love you and say all the things that we both were feeling to each other because they were real and then i'm still in a bit of disbelief about it because it happens so strangely in conjunction with the release of the movie it goes back to like when you know you know like when you feel that and you you are on the same frequency as someone in their meeting every mark that you like have always swish of a person that you you could be with fuel really good about yourself than we just know. I think like for people that aren't romantic and are two real in our to you. You know cynical about it.

00:35:01 - 00:40:01

That's their journey to come back to like. It's weird too much on the bench size needed to our journey to find a little bit more org onto the reality like they need to come back to the fantasy because they should be able to fantasize about the person that would be best for them that they can know it when they find it because i also think. I think that you could also need someone. That could be really good for you when you're not ready to be in a relationship or when you don't believe you're closed off to it and you're not open into that person. Feel it so like this kind of buzz off like when you are open to it used to be able to like no when you see it. I guess my point you can only know that ah if you fantasize about like what would be the ideal person for me the p with like what are the attributes that like i know i need a partner to make me feel good <hes> so it's a mix of fantasy and reality but it's also making sure that your fantasy is backed up by reality in. It's not just in your head in your own own world. We've all agreed. That kind of unrequited love is different than potentially two sided love. Why do we think unrequited. Love is so painful. I think it it just goes back to self esteem. I think that's like super simplistic and <hes> it can be a lot more complicated but i just don't think that someone would be able to love someone who didn't love them back if they didn't have like a certain level of self respect like they knew that they deserve better by extending on the rejection part of it. You're just cutting out like the deepest. This level of insecurity that you have is like i'm not good enough. Agai am unlovable. There's something wrong with me. Why doesn't this person loved me back and then you go go down the rabbit hole from there so again. It's back to yourself. It's not just like it's like there's something flawed with me. It's pains ktar because it's painful to your ego for some reason you can't win this person over your lacking something yeah when that's really not the case. It's not the case in reality. You're not right for that person. They know it. They just figure it out before you know it like if they're not feeling is because they have a different idea of what they want and like. You're not ed but that's okay because you're still good person but when you get rejected you think it's because has your laughing something. It's just like people are so different. People are so varied rub so many different needs like you can't imagine what another person needs not know them like super well. Oh but that's not usually the case. I'm just curious about all of your unrequited. Love situations icy pattern with me and my friends that that we've talked about this with you. Have this unrequited love with someone. When you have something very unique that you connect on like i feel like my situation. We really really connected about like this. One hobby of ours and this is all we ever talked about and i just kept thinking wow nobody else sees it this way. Nobody else can connect with me this way. I will never find someone else to connect me with this way my friend who's in the situation right now they have the connect mutual obsession with language guage and the love breaking down language and linguistics and how cared drew's come about and she feels like oh my gosh. We're obviously meant to be because who has such an obscure skewer interest but that's what's really misleading for unrequited. Love is that there are other people out there who can connect with you. A multiple levels versus is just one point like that wasn't necessarily my situation but i think there was this feeling of like oh. This person gets me like like no one else which really wasn't the case at all because like they really got me like no one else like we would have actually been together right. You know like for whatever reason in my head. I like thought that so it is scarcity feeling though <hes> it's about feeling seen and validated dated like filed this other person validates the fact that i like this thing. I have this interest right. See the world this particular way and i'm not alone in that and i think that's apart like another part of of love like it's lonely in the world and when you do make a connection with human whether it's in romantic terms or or just friendship or over shares experience it gives you that feeling alive yeah for sure and i i think some of it's like your time like timing when this happens to you because i had definitely to one definitely lasted longer than the other but lake lake it was the first one especially was like the first time that i felt like i was actually lake adult dating so it was like you kind of latched onto that was like early twenties like yeah.

00:40:01 - 00:45:03

I didn't really have those experiences as much so it was like this is something special and scarce and i think like as you get older <hes> and you've learned those hard lessons in like all of that we start to see you like things for what they are more yeah so it's a good segue to takeaways wave. Hey go away. I guess i cus all-star. I think about this idea of unrequited love quite a bit because the people that i've had the situation with still hold a very special place in my heart not that i would want to be with him again but they taught me so much about what love should feel like and not what love really is so. I'm so glad i went through that has now i can course correct but i i do want to touch upon our other takeaway which is when you course correct too much and then you're just too much in the reality and there's just no love and everyone's how do we get some of that romance back and i think the what we need to do more of is that we need to put more of ourselves out there. We need to just give more. Julia and i were having this conversation with a guy friend. Who's like i will never have this connection with another woman again we're like how do you know if you don't just put it out. There like like go right along song. Go go do something super romantic. Don't be a flan. Have these bigger romantic gestures because you never know it can come back yeah the romantic. It's like i think like my biggest one. It's this in reality which is the title but it's lake really separating and coming to terms like a wire doing doing what you're doing. Yeah like is it because of your own self. Is it really love. Has it been proven like i think just like being a little more logical like especially if you are the type of person that likes to fantasize. Maybe it's knowing you in that kind of goes to your point. If you're more logical than maybe could use a little more fantasy and vice versa and i think the other piece too is like you can't change people select if someone's like. I don't want a relationship whether it's with you or the at that time of their life like i think we try to justify so much yeah so it's like they're listened to by the reality again at that stage. Whatever the reason reason is. They don't want to be in a relationship. Yes you need to remember that. Not cling to this. Hope in like feeling like you can change them because i yeah that's like what we're talking about. <hes> earlier of like <unk> it becomes like an ego thing and it's like saying you need to win. Not necessarily like pure altruism love right a lot. A lot of things like spending everything that you guys just said it's the first thing is all the people that i have been in unrequited love with have been extremely important to my development as a human and like had i not gone through those experiences. There were lessons. I needed to learn that right the universe or whatever like gave me so that i could learn them and go through them have made the movie had not had such a heartbreaking experience <music> on unpack uncover and i wouldn't know what i was capable of in that field <hes> there other people that really hurt me but i also still still respect because at the end of the day if you can take away what you are learning from that experience no yeah like not put it on the other person in my state. Did something bad to you but just like remember like you. Were also there and you're making decisions to be there. So what is that about and like. Can you take something away from. I'm not and jordan and i both i like having now met each other. All of our other relationships make total sense. We had to go through those data. Got ourselves here and like see this what it really is because now it makes total sense up to your point about the second thing that you you said. Romance <music> romantic doug is like not to go into the whole story but down out about love or romance. I just wasn't really like trying on dating after it was in china only find someone to be with but your way that i met jordan was he damned me like i had put out something on instagram about competition to promote the movie whatever and he took this pretty small at that point but it still was a romantic onto justice long to me and then over the course of several months we ended up meeting each other and actually getting along but like he kept doing doing very frantic things that allowed me to like really see him for who he was and then allowed me to respond with who i really was and if you're not putting your authentic self out and you're not like actually taking being courageous.

00:45:03 - 00:50:01

How is anyone going to know who you really are and like. How are they gonna fall in love with you and i think also like he was responding to need you having put myself out there so much. The movie in retrospect wasn't really what i was doing but i guess i always knew that if i could make this movie the and like show absolutely everything myself in the process. They're hard to be someone else or who would be like. That's the woman i wanna be used our show schindler. We love for your card boyfriend. That's how you met was through with. You is no away like i wasn't like. He doesn't have any pictures instagram so it wasn't like scoped him out with time. Maybe he'll you know it was like his clones. Were the best and i said okay like a promotion for the movie and then be prize winning that competition competition with me sending this person a journal like brandon in reality journal. I didn't get around to sending it to him before. I moved away. Oh i've seen that you're moving to elect. I also live here. Hoppy saints new shipping like literally showed up at my endorse up. I was like jordan. I immediately in love and then of course don't do do that aunt romanticize maybe he's just here for the humans also like hind and in curious and like immediately interested interesting and we had a great report but again like this has happened before like i have other peoples before i'm not gonna let this be one of those things things where it can go down the rabbit like it'd be cool if he ended up being something that could be like. I'm not gonna make shit up. He's going to have to really like show me if he wants is to be with me and then he did you literally like have writing poetry until i told him that i love so there you go. That's another takeaway. If you're an unrequited love situation step step number one make a film to contest haiku contest three all your d._m.'s step forward meet up with people depots raise another good point because i besides that clearly get over this situation but i think the point about like learning learning from your past but also not becoming bidder from now because like i agree like let go. I'm so i am grateful it full. I did have this experience even though it did not end the positive with you think you learned so much and again like also don't feel bitter to this person because they were actually actually upcoming with me. It was my decision not to listen to that right <hes> but i think you ear to on the other side that you're not gonna take a chance with anyone anyone then you also aren't going to get to where you need to be so it's like being cautiously optimistic but also like reality again right yeah yeah absolutely i think it's just it's that idea of scarcity versus abundance. If you think that this is the only person out there for you you're always going to obsess over them <hes> but know that if you are able to fall in love with this person and you're able to fall in love with the next person even harder so why not get to that do we have doing for a question of the day. This is actually a pretty easy question day. 'cause we've been talking about it all our the question comes from shelly. She says i've fallen all in love with four men in my lifetime twenty four years old but the problem is none of them have fallen back in love with me in return. I initially thought it was just bad luck but i'm starting. Aren't the common denominators me. What do you think is there something wrong with me. Dear shy. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to you learn to love people that love you back and like not fall for people that don't and make you feel bad and like removing saying that element of your life <hes> it'll be a lot easier to fall in love with someone that you're actually meant to be with and also listen to the rest of the they mean shelly. You're twenty four right like that's what i think was really good about your movie to is. Is it like it. Kinda brought you back to being like i was like kinda naive and like i just didn't know like you just don't know as much so i don't know yeah yeah and blink. You're young. You've got time similar across gender like a related question at acumen. I went through like if you go back and and tell your younger self like or young women like what to do. What would it be and i was like. You're gonna make mistakes like just have fun with your life like don't don't be too hard on yourself.

00:50:01 - 00:55:05

Don't beat yourself up when you you go in the wrong direction. 'cause like that's fucking my that new housing make mistakes to learn what you're really after and what we really are so you don't know until you learn totally the and i think also just like what we're talking about. Earlier is like taking these experiences looking at them actually realistic like not just blaming the other a person taking account like i think it's a line of like not putting yourself down also being accountable that like some of it is your actions and like how how can you change that in the future so the same thing doesn't keep happening so here's a this is a quote that i recently heard and i loved it she this. This woman said the brain brain is not a truth violator. It's an evidence seeker so when we get fixated on a certain problem or topic our brain automatically magically goes to the evidence that supports theory versus actually looking at the truth because our our brain is already edit a film by so when someone says says i fall in love with four men who haven't fall in love with me. How many men did you fall in love who did fall in love with you. Maybe that was ten maybe that was you know we're helping them. I'm did you like knock the time of day who yes you because your brain chose to forget about these men once she she needs to these other guns for whatever reason for whatever reason so if you find that there is a problem in the patterns that you're seeing then you shift after your brain to seek evidence elsewhere and i support the fact that i am a lovable person. Can i find the fact find evidence events that i have a great group of friends. I have love in my life and then you start seeing the opposite of what you've been trying to see for the you know. I think think also like i mean again twenty four. You got a lot of i don't want to say that. This is like those those are the years that you really learn but i feel like in like let's say she does want a relationship now and that's why it's kind of coming to light. I i've been here before as unlike oik. Why am i still single at this age. It's like well actually i. I was like twenty four. I wasn't like doing that at all like i was like partying nyc not in that mindset whatsoever so i think like shelly can just kind of yourself it yourself where you are at that time just like that's where you were and that's cool and like now you're in different places so it's not like i'm this person because of my past and shall we go see in reality. I'm gonna plug more sitting. It's a screened at so many fat film festivals. Where are you screening next. We're screening in los angeles at rom com. Some festival is also available on itunes and amazon directly. Just go to in reality film dot com. You can find the link. I just like was blown away by this movie like i'm gonna fan girl on you but i think it's like i just love the way it was shot op because like we kind of alluded to it earlier. It's kind of in the mind of someone going through this but you're just so creative. I don't want to like say a lot to give it away because you kind of see it to understand understand it but i thought the actual cinematography was amazing but also dislike as this whole conversation has shown super relatable topic like like so many people have gone through this quite love or just like even if it was unrequited love just in your early twenties just kind of trying to figure out life affray so everybody go see the film. I think it will resonate with anybody even if you've never had unrequited love. You'll totally get where this film is about if you haven't had it probably you've you've experienced a friend that has yes yeah you remember that time. Vividly ah come in all right. Thank you so much zan for being on our show and for sharing your experience with us and sharing your beautiful piece of art that came out of heartbreak. Yeah i think think for any listeners it'd be really interesting. If someone had an unrequited love story the actually turned around to hear that all of a spouse hope things yeah yeah yeah because we didn't learn anything like this is all about hearing other people's stories so baby does have one of those stories or absolutely another either way. You turned heartbreak into art yeah. That's a good one parfait. Thank you so much again. We're going to wrap this up coming in third fan fan growing on it like a really preachy. I'm gonna i'm gonna watch it up by house this week. We're going to have a screening party party and <music> the international dateable festival okay thanks to gain and for being being on our show for anybody who has something to say about this topic or any topic.

00:55:05 - 00:55:55

We love to have you as a guest on okay. We're going to wrap it up. Say david i want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts tag us in any post with the hashtag tags. Stay dateable and trust us. You look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos in our coaching service with vetted industry experts can also find our premium. Y series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums syndromes roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable all to us so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.