S9E5: Broken Engagement with a Twist

Dateable Podcast
September 10, 2019
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
September 10, 2019

S9E5: Broken Engagement with a Twist

We discuss the fallout of calling off a wedding, the possibility of falling in love in an open relationship, and the difference between dating men and women.

Broken Engagement with a Twist

Tune in as we chat with Jane about how she broke off her engagement to her college boyfriend due to falling in love with a woman. We discuss the fallout of calling off a wedding, the possibility of falling in love in an open relationship, and the difference between dating men and women.

Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 5:  Broken Engagement with a Twist

00:00:00 - 00:05:09

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of data will a show all about modern dating sometimes. I feel like monitor dating is like watching a TV show or a movie movie where there's just multiple plot twists and then and then and our guest today has a story that has multiple plot twist yeah. I haven't heard the full all story. You have Julia so I'm excited to hear. I agree though I think there is something there. Is this quote that I saw. I think it was on instagram. That was like me see I met a new guy. Three days later never mind I'd change at the drop of a hat. It's like if you go from totally single and you're like in love so and I think I think that's one of the great things about dating. Is that your tastes change. Your views views on dating changes. Your perspective changes your sometimes. You're a sexual preference changes ward. Your likes and dislikes change so it's it's always interesting to see your own evolution as you go through the dating process so we have an Jane on the line hi Jane Hi six years old she lives in Queens originally from New Hampshire currently in a monogamous relationship as she has a story to share. Where shall we start. Shall we start at the beginning of this with the fiance. So I was engaged to my boyfriend from college. We were together for for two years and then we got engaged after college and then we were engaged for two more years and planning our wedding last year in and we are supposed to get married in June and we had open relationship which was not very eventful in theory was open relationship. How how did you get to an open relationship. it wasn't my idea but I ended up coming around to it. I listened to a lot of Dan Savage's views on open relationships and ships and thought he was very knowledgeable in it sounded like a okay way to go about things todd. You've been open relationship before no no. It's definitely a weird concept but it sort of worked out for us. until I met one girl at work and we we started talking and I told my fiance I thought she was probably interested in me so he was like okay. Go for it and then I did and Dan pretty quickly. I was like Oh my God. I'm supposed to be with her. Not You back. I still in being engaged while planning a wedding and was this the first woman you had been with outside of this relationship now how I briefly dated girls and like high-school college but nothing ever really worked out nothing that Syria and did your fiancee know about about this. Yeah Okay so when you met this girl and you wanted to pursue something with her. What did he think or what did you think was going to happen. I I even really know but I obviously thought it was just GonNa be casual thing and that's what he thought also and I didn't really know like like what the long term plan was going to be. I guess it was just kind of a motion all decision and it was this sort of thing where you're like this task to happen so it was it's not something. I felt like I could stop once it started like once I really realized we had feelings for each other from our experience with couples. We've interviewed who are an open in or poly relationships. They have very strict ground. Rules will were some of your rules. Yeah I mean everything had to be out in the open like discuss too prudish. Do I know some people are would rather not know about it but that's not how we were so we discussed it and decided that it was going to be okay and when then how and like that we would tell each other everything that happened so I guess that's why it was easier. And did you ever play up the scenario of possibly falling falling in love with someone else. I don't know if we really did. I guess we felt like because we were in an open relationship that meant that our relationship was so oh secure and we weren't. GonNa start an open relationship if we weren't really secure in our own relationship so I guess we didn't really consider that possibility disability. I was Gonna ask you kind of a no you mentioned he wanted to be the open relationship like what prompted this whole discussion in the first place.

00:05:09 - 00:10:01

I'm not really sure I guess it was just kind of always something he was interested in and it was never something I was interested in. I I was like that's crazy but the more or I thought about it the more I realized it didn't seem like such a big deal and Dan savage's always talking about how a lot of people cheat on their spouses. This is like a huge number of people and as stair parral who I also really like to read talks about how your significant other is like. They can't be everything for you. Oh all the time for the rest of your life like you expect all of that. You're going to be disappointed. I guess it's not that unnatural to look outside your relationship either for friendship and ship or for sexual reason so I guess the more I like logically thought about it. The more made sense. How are you feeling about your fiancee at this time. Mike where you still like head over heels excited about him where we kind of like feeling different. I mean I still felt like very close to him and ready to got married. I guess obviously everyone feels really anxious leading up to getting married and that's normal to a certain extent but I felt like everything was on track. I didn't feel feel like anything was off. It was definitely young to get married and maybe quickly but it just sort of the way things went and they didn't really have any doubts. I thought it was was fine until I met Nicole and then I just have this whole revelation. I guess as weird as it sounds about. I'm supposed to be with this kind of person. Then who treats me this way makes me feel this way and part of it was probably infatuation but another part of it was just realizing like what direction is my life. GonNa go in. And what kind of person am I gonNA be. Can we go back to that just picking it up to where we left off in the story so you're about to marry the sky and you you are in an open relationship so you meet a girl and you guys pursue some sort of relationship. At what point did you realize. I think I'm in love with this a person can. I don't want to be with my fiance anymore. It was very quick. Going part of me was like this crazy like I'm crazy Z. I'm having a meltdown. Something's wrong got on it was very quick and we just couldn't stop talking and I just am such an honest person that and I couldn't hide from him that I was having way more feelings than I was anticipating so pretty quickly. I told him that I was falling thing for her and if he had asked me to stop seeing her. I knew that I couldn't so I've got is in trouble like was he opened to just or were you open to this to like continuing to get married. Stay in an open relationship. You also be with her. I guess I should also ask what she opened to this arrangement right. There's a lot of people bull year will definitely do that for me. That wasn't really an option. Light Guy just felt so strongly for her. I felt like it wasn't really fair to him. Dan Because I knew if he ever was uncomfortable with it or say. We want to move away or whatever it was like. I was just GonNa be so attached to her that it wasn't going to be fair to him. Wow for him. You didn't feel the same way apparently not what was going through your mind while you're making this decision. What were the other scenarios that you played out in your head of panic. I was definitely like like panic for days. While I was thinking about it and like could I actually go through with canceling my wedding or if I go through with getting married like what a huge mistake that would be in how unfair that would be to both of us and I didn't actually talk to anyone about it which is strange for me because I'm usually like really have close friends and I tell them everything but I was so panicked to even bring it up because I was like what if I decide to get married than everyone will know serious doubts so I really didn't tell anyone until I told Mike von say at the time but now it was verifying. It was really crazy. I felt felt like maybe I was going crazy in retrospect. I think it was the right decision. How did he take it yeah. It was horrible and I still feel very. Are you guilty about it honestly. I just told him one night like you now. I can't get married and key was saying. Can we still be together and I was. He's like no just have to say like absolutely not because I don't WanNA drownings out or go back and forth and give you hope like it sound. It sounded probably very blunt in a moment but it was like a very I was very firm about it like I just can't and I don't want to end. It has to be this way. He was really on amazing about it.

00:10:01 - 00:15:04

As far as you know helping me coordinate like how to cancel the wedding and he moved out like pretty soon and obviously obviously was devastated and we talked a lot about it but he wanted a million questions which is totally understandable but what we're of his questions for you a lot aww it was like did you know is this because you're a lesbian in you need to be with a woman instead of a man in. I always out like I never really drifted towards one gender or another. It was always just like a person a person in that person so the answer was now but now I'm thinking maybe more yes ask like. Maybe I was supposed to end up with a woman because I can't really imagine being the man anymore so you two are still together. Yes okay so so sorry. You were talking about some of the other questions he had for you yeah. It was just a lot of like. Did you know and did you think this through and you know. Is there anything that we could've done differently and we talked about it a lot and he handled it really well. I think but I still feel very guilty just the way that I'll be happened. This is a very a logistical question. How do you cancel a wedding. I've had a few acquaintances off. Weddings and I have so many questions around around that one. Do you get your deposit back. To how do you tell all the you know people you you invited. How do you break to your family. How much damage Mitch have you 'cause both financially and mentally yeah the damage a lot definitely. which is what still sort of sits with me? Sometimes let let me tell you. It's better not to cancel the wedding when your son contracts. It says like if you cancel you won't get your money back and I'm sure everyone looks at each other. They laugh laugh and they sign it but you your money back yeah. You know they're taking you for everything that you guy. They're oh definitely knock it was three wedding was three months old so like you book another person so you have to separately email or call you now the florist that cake the DJ wedding just place the heron makeup plays in cancel all those things and everyone is like. Oh my God you know and you have to be like it's okay. Don't worry about it. I still have my wedding dress in a box here because you can't return it and you also can't Salad L. It just a side note. No one wants it. You know the dresses that way. It's so expensive in zone is. I can't throw it away but I also can't give it away. No one wants it so they'll have to deal with that so there's that Halloween costume and then I went to my mom. I and I was like in a ball hiding knife biddies than I was like. I'm not getting married and I think she was was up at be about that. She's GonNa be yeah never really excited about the prospect of any of getting married the blink tonight and I called my dad and he was amazingly supportive to tell him that I met someone else and I was like I met someone else like like who is it and I had to tell him. It was a woman yeah you take that a lot of silence on the other end of the phone but cheesman completely amazing since then like blown me away with how tempting eastern right and you've got to cut some slot that is probably a huge surprises while I've been thinking they added in. He gets like put on the spot in your parents divorce. Is that why you're MOM's. I gather that so you said your mom. I'm was happy that you aren't getting married. What was her reaction to you. Being with a woman she was fine with it. I mean when I dated girls in high school like I told my parents I was gay and they were you know like okay sure whatever and I dating a guy in college and they were like okay fine so it wasn't like a huge shocker to them. I don't think but then you have to call your grandparents and explain to them getting and why we tried to keep it a secret from my very conservative grandparents for a little while and the cat got out of the bag and now everyone's fine coup took the hardest. I actually my best our best mutual best friends. could see that yeah and I can totally understand how they are like very torn between between him and I in honestly I felt like he needed all the friends he could get in. I like everyone can go to him. Aw Switch a good portion of them did and I can see how I was the bad guy in that situation if you were the bad guy though because like you were just trying trying to figure stuff out it's like I think it's just like I know it sucks.

00:15:04 - 00:20:06

Let's not just you but like anytime you break up. It's not necessarily like a bad guy good guy but he comes off that way and I've been there before. It's like you feel bad but it's just the everyone's just trying to figure out what's working for them and where their life is going and all all their own development so that goes into at what point do we actually know what we want because when you are with your fiancee you oh you thought that's what you wanted right and then you met. Someone and you never thought that you wanted this and now you want this so as as your new girlfriend run. Does she have concerns about win. Are you going to stop Jane like Am. I it to something else. Another another opportunity in your option comes into the picture. Maybe you decide. That's better for you well. That's a new anxiety printed granted. That was a dead I think actually maybe I have a little bit more of that insecurity because I am still pretty young and towards the end my ex got a little bit indicative of course as they always do and was like you know you're really impulsive person in new jump from thing to thing and you don't think things through and you hurt people when you do that and that's really stuck with me and so I do worry that like I'll do something crazy but I don't think it would be in regards to my current girlfriend. I think we're pretty much on the same page. It's pretty crazy how different we are in how perfect cricked we are for each other like we're very complete opposites and we just work really really well together. Yeah I mean I think the part about like the X. Being vindictive like I I feel like I wouldn't take that personally because I feel like that's like knee. Jerk reaction to the exactly yeah so I think that piece in in other things you could argue is like when you know you know and like maybe you didn't know until you now know hit like had that like X. Sounds like this was like pretty. The instant that you just had that feeling like we are acts was instant or did like how did that kind of feel back then it felt okay. I mean at the time time was fine and everything kind of like moved along. I wonder if we had met after college of things have been a serious because we started dating meeting and two years in graduated and so then it was like where we're GONNA go while you're going here so I'll move with you or we break up so now in or long distance which I didn't want to do so that sort of puts pressure on new and then you move somewhere together after college in new start your life together it just kind of go down a particular path. At least that's how it felt for me. Nothing was ever really wrong so just keep calm but the level of excitement editor voices adopt the same. When you talk about your courage. I feel like the smile half a day with the current girlfriend. I guess I just I I. I never felt this way before as I do about her and I didn't know people could be like this. I didn't know I could be myself like this like I feel like a very different in person It's definitely the best relationship anybody's ever heard of if you could do it all over again. What is something you would do differently. He wanted me to come to therapy with him. After we broke up and initially initially I said yes and then I decided not two and a kind of wish that I had maybe that would need him. Feel better. I mean I felt like we had talked so much and there wasn't that much left to talk talk about but in retrospect. I feel like I could have given him that. How long have you been with your current girlfriend now year or month and are you still in contact with with your acts yeah. I was GONNA ask that no zero. Finally Mike cancelled our lease. We had to sign it. It was like a by forever never in here from you John while not facebook friends not following each other on social media no zero. I definitely see like his side of feeling that her and embassy still see your face or hear your name not your do you did anything wrong this naturally if you think you're getting married and you're not right what about mutual friends so everyone that was friends with him. I or that we met together pretty much went with him and that was fine with me of course and people that were my friends. I were with me and then our really close friends I didn't talk a two for a while because they were pretty upset with me. Just the way I handled it. I guess not so much that it happened but the handled it and then they came around Gordon. We've been talking and they're somehow able to keep us like separate and I think that's that's nice of them.

00:20:07 - 00:25:00

Will it's like an adjustment for them and especially in you guys have have been together since college. I'm assuming you probably have a lot of mutual friends. I think that's where like a lot of core friends. Start in. You've gone to a new city. I need together like you've been in lockstep together so I could see how it'd be shocking to like as a friend but then also eventually come around like this is. Is it anything personal on me or a slight in any way this is like just two people figuring out there shit yeah and I mean it was pretty crazy for me because my whole life changed. It wasn't just that I wasn't getting married. It was like you know you lose a bunch of friends. You have to move all of a sudden. Everything is different and you know there's. It's definitely like a mourning period for that. As much as it was my decision it was still kind of hard to lose all those things at once well. You're basically early a different person now. Your life was down this one very traditional path and it just went one eighty the other way so it's it's gotta be an adjustment period for you to what's been the hardest thing for you throughout this entire process I just I still feel kind of guilty guilty. I don't really know how to get over that. I guess maybe going back to your question. About what would I have done differently. I went into therapy like for a month or a two and then I sort of stopped and I guess I wish I had gone more continued. Because the more time you have the more you can reflect on things. People tell May I don't really have a reason to feel guilty and I really honest person and I felt like I went about it the best way code but I still have some guilt debt you know I hurt hurt. Someone and his family was very disappointed in his whole too and in one day so right so you said you met her at work. Work was kind of like like I know. You weren't like actively seeking out a woman at that point like what was it that drew you to her. The whole thing get started. Let's take a break and talk about routines if you're like me. I'm basically panicking like at the end of the world every morning because I'm constantly running late. Luckily always despite two minutes per wander beauty to magic. This line of products is all about doing more with less weather superpower skin care or makeup multi-taskers. Wander Beauty Eddie believes in giving you the best quality clean and cruelty free ingredients so you get maximum payoff from a straight line. I recently went on to trigger experience exclusive vastly different climate and all I needed to packed with the wander beauty extended stay hydrated and the liftoff gir- fine and frightening peel off. Ask one for the drier climate. It's like Berlin and the purify humid climate like these two products tape my skin and safe-space my suitcase. Now you can get the full effect without a phone team for Dave listeners. Get Twenty percents off your purchase order had wander beauty dot com slash dateable. That's W eight D. VR beauty dot com slash dateable for twenty percent off. Wonder v DOT com slash the AD L. now back to the show. What was the The whole thing get started yeah. She's very confident and I was pretty new and she was being just really nice. I sent help hold to me and I was like what a great resource. She's a friendly. She's helping me with everything and then there was a snowstorm arm and she was like why don't I drive you home. So then I was like maybe she likes me. Maybe she's not just trying to like help me at work but something about her like she's just really energetic and funny and she's very very talion. which I like did not grow up around any Italian so it's like very shocking to me? I didn't even understand half of what she was saying most of the time but yeah something about her. I guess something about me. She he noticed which our mutual friends at work. Tell me that when I started apparently. She said she was interested in me and they were like no. She has fiance. Get away from her so she targeted you from the Gecko or she decided. She knew she knew all so. Wouldn't she always date women or did she date men to yes and she was younger. She's yeah she's always you know. It's funny 'cause like my axe ax has kind of Meta but my ex's acts was like very similar situation you they weren't engaged but they were together for like six years and then she met another woman at work so it's like. I think this stuff does happen more often than you may. Even think like this obviously seems like kind of this story that slate we we heard it.

00:25:00 - 00:30:22

We were like wow we have to talk to. Her was like an interesting story but this definitely like I think especially right now with like definitely just like a fluid nature of sexuality quality like this does happen like people discover new things they see people in different lights. They learn things about themselves and preferences. They may not have even unknown they had and they're open to exploring and there's just something about the workplace to. It's almost like a safe place yeah. You're not at a bar are so you're not. They're trying to hit on someone or take someone homes. You don't feel that kind of like I'm endanger or I'm on the prey but how what did you to take it from friendship to the next or from colleagues to the next level. We were taught. I forget what we were talking about but I think she found me on facebook. Sent me like a funny meme or something. Oh that work or something like honey was like Oh. I thought you might think this is funny than we are sort of talking about random things and then she are. Maybe it was time. I get myself in trouble trouble. One of us was like I'll just give you my number. Max doing constantly in and then eventually. I was like you know what I think. We can both admit that we're really attracted not really while that's bold before anything even happens about ads like. I can't believe you said that you do it. Though I think like that's the workplace a little I think the reason why this might happen to of like exploring other sexes and like your sexuality differently differently is because you're not lake. It's organic yeah like it. Just happens that you meet that person like you. Were saying that it's like it's not it's more about the person like yeah exactly like. I feel like if you're on a dating APP. It's like oh no I need to set it to women are yeah to manage more attentional exactly where this this is. Just kind of these happen the way they're meant to happen yeah and also going back to your previous comment. I feel like the more I meet new. People and they say oh. How did you meet and I tell them like the whole story and they're fascinated by it but a lot of them are like quo that happened to my sister just yesterday. Someone is like Oh yeah yeah. My sister did that. She was supposed to get married and that she ended up of a woman and like I feel like it happens more than I realized and but then there's also plenty of people that are still like like dating a man so I can't think about having feelings for a woman like my told me the other day. One of her friends was drunk and with asking her. Oh have you ever interested in women and then when they were so the next day she was like I never said that so I feel like people still think you're either one or the other and you can't change changes and when you guys were flirting overtaxed and you said. You let's admit that we're both very attracted to each other and then what happened when she was like like we I guess we are and then we made plans to hang out which is probably like running around the house like screaming so excited it. Did you know that she was interested. Yeah I mean I y out so cheesy yeah students. I wouldn't know gotta would just soon as another female coworker. A friend wanted to hang out no no it was like pretty flirty. Yeah I guess the undertone by right I yeah I knew she was a lesbian. That's true but I think even like my male colleagues like a lot of times. There's no undertone right like you could feel Eli when there is one gets especially at work people are kind of like on their most likely face right. Yeah musty are into it and when you guys met up was it that like did you just pounce on each other. Sorry I just like all the details a nothing. That was that was that to do so. How do you think a woman is different than dating a man outside of the obvious like sexual side. I feel like she really understands me. It really freaked me out in the beginning because she'll be like what's wrong and I wouldn't have even said anything. I didn't have any body language like that. Yeah I knew of like any little thing. She can just sense. I don't know about a woman thing. That's just her. You know she can just sense everything. I'm thinking and feeling gene the time I mean it could be a woman thing. We've talked about it before yeah. Men Don't have as much going on assets. That's the nicer way this you just don't have much going on the thoughts through their mind like feelings and I just don't think men have as many we who knows saying a woman women can step into a room and talk to you and know everything that's going around behind you without even like talking to those people but a man will walk into a room talk to you and only only know what's going on with you so we're just we're just like really perceptive of our space and our surroundings so that that does make a lot of sense but in a way.

00:30:22 - 00:35:04

I do question if when you are with your ex with your ex fiancee. Did you ever feel like there was a part of you. That was missing or did you feel like like not completely you or were you like this is pretty good. No there was definitely sometimes I I was struggling and I think part of it was just like graduating from college and becoming an adult is very stressful. You're trying to figure out everything and then definitely elite sexually. I felt like not amazing time but you know you don't really know however else's feeling all the time so you think I guess yes. This is fine because you only know what you know as far as you because you were young like where so you're saying you were really young like you. Were in college like. I feel like you wouldn't have had that. Many experiences like I know for myself like even if it hasn't been different sexes but like just like throughout the years like you meet New People and it exposes you to different things in different feelings than in retrospect. I'm like wow I thought I felt purpose way about this person but I did it and like I think like you just learn more about yourself and like what makes you tick and what makes me work and I could totally see your point earlier of just like going through life being like there's nothing wrong. Everything's good how much for someone loves that yeah. It's like on paper you. You have everything right. It's like people are like telling you to like meet that person that treats you well to get married to have kids like yeah you were on that track but how many how many of us are in a situation now probably a shit ton a Lotta. People may be in that situation because the again you only know what you know until you're exposed to is something that's even more suitable for you. That's when you hop on that train but that's like the part. That really scares me is what is it that I don't know. I feel pretty good where I am. I'm happy with whom dating I'm happy with our relationship but could I be even happier. I know but that's like a slippery slope because because I think it's like there is a point that like you do have to kind of like feel like you you. You have to commit to a decision. You've made it right yeah but at the other side is like you do have to listen to your gut feeling and like I think if in your situation like something came around that was almost a sign that the other wasn't right like this might sound like hippy dippy but I believe like there are like things are meant to come into your life for a reason so she probably doubly came into your life at the time to show you that this other relationship wasn't right yeah and I think about that sometimes like what if I never met her as is an ask you that what do you think would have happened. What do you think is going on with your life right now. You never met her. I was married. I'm sure I mean I would be married married then that would be it. I guess I don't know I think of years it would have come out. I think you're probably would have fallen it. Just might not you might have gone on down the route that might actually have probably been a lot more painful for your axiom run is getting married and then having an affair or cheating on them or even being the open relationship in meeting someone later on in life and then potentially even having more at stake like a family and whatever that may be that could cause that to be a harder decision decision. Yeah that's true I mean I guess we'll never know but it's like moving sliding doors yeah always there's always the same result at the end. It's your journeys a little bit different onto get to that result but I do think that maybe if you never met her. You might have eventually matter right yeah. There's this other movie. That's escaping head this. It's really great conversation about this topic on a date. Oh the guy that ended up costing me super like like tale conversation about this exact topic in there was this movie that he referenced escaping me right now and basically the concept of the movie was like whatever path end up going down. Your life is like if it works for you so it's one of those things that you can always ask question like. Is there a better suited life like you were just saying like. Is there a partner. That's GonNa make me so much happier and I think the point of this movie was like you can't think about it that way like it's like whatever direction you're on on is the direction you're meant to be so. I don't know what the right answer is but if that theory like hypothetically like you could have been married and you could have been just as okay of us you didn't know sling better letter was out there yeah yeah or it's about like it's yeah.

00:35:04 - 00:40:36

It's about commitment so good thing. You didn't go through the marriage because if you did that. Maybe you say I'm just committing going to this person. No matter who I meet later I'm still committing to a lifetime with this person but if you did make that commitment then you know that's that's your choice as well well. I think we can go into takeaways. 'cause yes a few things. I've learned for the story. Thank you so much for sharing Jane. One is I always say this. I Never Wanna be someone else's roadkill and therefore I never want other people to be my road kill so along the way of dating we have these Barrios where we hurt the people or we go S- them and or we're not accountable for them or were disrespectful to them and they fall by the wayside and we kind of dislike ignore them but but I think the way to go about dating is always think about how you want to be treated in any situation. Even if you're the one quote unquote losing in the scenario someone dumping you for someone else you still you still want to be grateful for your time together so what I really appreciate about what you're ex- had had requested which I think would have been interesting follow through was the therapy post break-up because I think that helps with closure. We always heard of couples therapy happy. We've heard of pre marital therapy but this whole thing break-up there. It'd be a thing because there are so many so many doors that are still open in my life. Previous relationships unresolved issues with XS that if I close those doors I maybe be more healthier state right now. so maybe that's something we can exercise like. Give your ex some time and maybe go into therapy of tag break up there. I'm GonNa Start Start that practice. I love it. I love it. Should I call my last few acces DUPREE Cup. There did exit interview for one of our episodes so it's where we called up. The girls at this guy had been on dates with just to get like feedback about the day it'll scary as is but imagine that tenfold old with actually was engaged to or was it a serious relationship with but those matter even more our history really got close that door even if you're not romantically linked. You're still emotionally linked. Somehow I think my biggest takeaways like we are all works in progress and it's like things do change and I totally get from your perspective why he would be upset and be hurt and I get that but at the same time and I've been in that that situation myself right where like something doesn't go the way that you thought it was going to go and it hurts but then you also have to think about the other person isn't trying to maliciously Salie hurt you if they were in a loving relationship with you. They're not out there to get you like they. They're discovering something about themselves. A life circumstance chance came out whatever the reason was like. It's not militias. They're just trying to like work through themselves so I think it's like having compassion for those people even if you're feeling feeling hurt in the moment because everyone at the end of the day just trying to do their best in along with that. I think you know it's with open relationships that gets tricky and what are the ground rules. What are the boundaries and I think in these scenarios. You have to throw out the opportunity for something like this right and you have. I have to say what would happen. If you met someone you fell in love with him and I think if you're in a partnership you always have your partner's best interests at heart so technically speaking and also of idealistically speaking you say if you met someone who you really fall in love with then I have your best interest at heart and I wish you the best of luck in that kind of scenario scenario that is a conversation to be had we cannot ignore those conversations right and it's it's really hard to like feel that like be that selfless right out that I get that but then there's been other comments along the same lines it's like if someone did meet someone that was so much of a better match for them and then this wasn't right right like you and I were not right because if we were the best match for each other we would not you wouldn't have met someone else absolute. I hate that also could be idealistic but it's also so true like I ultimately don't WanNa be worried that like I am kind of person that they've like kind of settle with because it's comfortable because it's like okay okay like I want them to be like how you're feeling about your girlfriend that there's no one else in the world. You can't stop smiling. She's like right right and if you want that like you want someone that think like. Oh my God this person I need to be with them against everything right. Yeah I mean you don't WanNa. WanNa be with someone and have them thinking be thinking about someone else the entire time. I don't need you physically with me if you're not mentally I think by last takeaway takeaway is like I know it was hard to call off a wedding I mean I know I haven't been there but I can imagine jam hard but I think it's like one of those things like it's the inevitable is coming like don't delay because like I think this isn't just weddings but like sometimes people draw out breakup for so long and it's almost purpose worse because they think that you're doing the things that you're doing someone a favor but if it really is the case I get if like you're drawn out the break-up to figure outfit sprite or not that is a different story but if you know it's not right and you're just like afraid to tell them or afraid.

00:40:36 - 00:45:01

They're going to react orally. You're not doing them a favor like. I can't imagine if you guys have gotten married knowing what you knew and then had a faker outlay. It sucks that it was but it's it's better so I think get flake. Yeah like do things when you feel it not like when it becomes like like last resort we gotta have courage we gotTa have courage and also we have what God have the courage to know what we want and to do something about it pressure for you Julian. Would you rather have someone leave you for someone of the same sex or opposite sex ooh the good one I'm just thinking about like what would be going through my mind and I think if it was opposite sex. I think I would have some of the same questions your accident chain that was like. Did you know this the whole time like were you hiding something from me all of that if it was same sacks than I would be away I I if there was opposite sex same sex as me I would kind of it. Would I think be more of an ego peruse in a way to justify the other better. That's L. too. I feel like it's less personal if a man leaves me for a man right okay well. I don't have their own thing that's going on. I'm not like someone's better than me. Not If that's like a right around way that's just like what my mind would think. I guess if I had a preference. I think I would rather than leave me for another man. I think so too because I there's just absolutely nothing. I can do about that but I think both would hurt like I think like if you thought you had a future with someone like I've had me. I've had people leave me not for a man or woman but because like they've had to move and they've had to leave and it's not like it logically make sense. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt art. I wouldn't prefer the nobody left me. Leave me. Leave me for another man. Let me just be so fun at someone left me. No AH please. That's her calling. That's another story mission terribly terribly happy for him a lot of therapy cool all right and their break up there. That's what we learned from. This new business venture any other takeaways. No I yeah I. I appreciate you guys talking intimate Jane. What would you what is some advice you give to someone who is possibly in a relationship but may have met someone who they can't stop thinking about? What are some tips you give to them usually when people ask me about the situation. I say I realized like you're never stuck in anything thing. As much as you might be lip someone making future plans with some on your never trapped and it's never too late to change your mind about anything so oh not to be overly impulsive but it's very easy to just keep doing what you're doing but you're never actually trapped in that in people friends family will amazia without supporter. Don't be nuts actually not very good advice. Yeah I mean I think that's a really good point because I've definitely had friends that are like well. I'm like financially dependent founded on this person like I have to stay in. It's like I'm not gonNA like give financial advice go but I think at the end of the day there's always a way it might up be the comfort and lifestyle used to but I think at the end of the day comes down to like what is the most important. Is that your happiness and like that that might require some sacrifices to get to a place that ultimately you're like living offended life yeah. We just got to be open minded to change yeah you. You can't really use those. Usually you can't use those things as excuses 'cause they would just be excuses. Not you're the one trapping yourself right. It might be easier but it's not a reason to stay exactly great well. We're going to say thank you again Jane for sharing that story. It's a very brave story to share because a lot of people are involved involved and affected but you know what that's that's a great story for us to hear as well to know about overcoming adversity and going after what you you truly want for anybody at home. Who has the story kind of related. I love to hear if you're if you've been on the flip side. If you've been the other woman or the other man on I love to hear those stories to.

00:45:01 - 00:46:14

We love to have you as a guest on this show whereas. UA says the road kill it'll be like chip. Maybe it was just one deep steppingstone road killing could be anything sewed road. Kill ten road kill's come and tell their story without we're not saying you're backed off all right. We're going to wrap this up. Stay will will want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag us in any post with the HASHTAG. Stay dateable entrusts trust us we look at all those post then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium. Y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums Roseau downloadable local for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us so don't forget to leave vessel reveal and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.