S9E7: Dating as a Single Mother

Dateable Podcast
September 23, 2019
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September 23, 2019

S9E7: Dating as a Single Mother

We discuss making decisions that are right for you, turning hard experiences into opportunities, and prioritizing romantic relationships with it all.

Dating as a Single Mother

Listen as we chat with Rebecca about dating and meeting her now-husband while raising her daughter on her own. We discuss making decisions that are right for you, turning hard experiences into opportunities, and prioritizing romantic relationships with it all.

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Episode Transcript

Season 9 Episode 7: Dating as a Single Mother

00:00:00 - 00:05:12

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. I have to be honest growing up. I always felt like the family family I envisioned in the future would be a mother a father and like maybe a few kids and that was it. That's your traditional household but as I get older and as Dayton us. I see my friends change. Their kind of relationships setups figuration. I realized that is no longer the case so our guest here is to talk about dating as a single mother but before we get into that Rebecca. Do you want to give quick high before we get into your story. I everybody everybody she's here to talk about dating as a single mother and becoming sexually empowered in aspire to find her life partner but before we get to restore. I want to bring up some statistics that I found online first of all super. CDC study that said that twenty five percent percents families are headed by single mom that's a really high percentage the CDC Center for Disease Control Okay and traditional nuclear families as with to married heterosexual parents are now the minority of the US while the rise of Single Motherhood is the largest influence of this trend followed followed by gay families and Multi Generational families and we see this in some of my friends have younger kids who are in preschool or they're in elementary school and they'll tell only about the family make-up's that they see and it's just every kinda thing so you can't even when you talk to your kids classmates. You can't say tell me about your mom your dad it. You can even ask that question and you have to tell me about your family and they'll tell you know kind of like what kind of situation there in so with Rebecca. You are a single mother of how how old of a child I was a single mom for seven years but of a daughter who's now at eleven. She's now eleven thirty three years old. You live in Oakland Glenn. You grew up in the bay area. You're now married so no longer a single mom. Tell us about your story getting to where you are now. Oh man that's like uh-huh so basically the way that I became a single. I think that's what people are really curious to hear writing so in college. I went to UC Berkeley so I'm from from the Bay area and go bears. I know in college I did have a partner a boyfriend and it was not necessarily like college sweetheart but I would say that because of being together on an offer so long we felt like the next step was gonna be to move in together to start a family. we did talk about getting engaged. I ended up having my daughter before any of those things happened and so the relationship ended up not working and so found myself in a situation where I had to decide to continue down the path of this relationship that feels on and off and continue to build that or do I do this by myself as a single mom and figure out the dating side starting over later to meet it was like a gut reaction and it was always this like listening to my intuition that it wasn't GonNa work and so I I decided to raise my daughter on my own. It ended up being seven years which is crazy when I think about it because now she's like this preteen and just had her in a actually just hadn't baby two months ago so I have a girl old. Were you when you had your first baby so I was a kid twenty. Two turning twenty the three and just graduated college just graduated Calgary literally. I was finishing my finals and all of those wrap it up courses. While I was the birth I was trying to wrap all this up and trying to just figure out next steps for life. So what was your reaction. When you found out you were pregnant I bet on my gosh. That's such a question because I think that there's a lot of seeking stories that we hear where it's like. You're excited and there's this magical moment but but there's so much stuff that goes through your head when you find out you're pregnant when you're not expecting to be pregnant which is half of all pregnant so this unplanned unplanned. Half of all pregnancies are unplanned implant. Wow Yeah so I felt very like confused. I felt overwhelmed. I did feel happy and excited just just because I pictured this journey of motherhood being like once in a lifetime so there were so many mixed emotions on it so at twenty two you did envision Asian yourself being a mother or was this something that never crossed your mind until then I knew I wanted to be a mother definitely not that young and the thing was that I felt like I had a supportive community.

00:05:12 - 00:10:04

You know how they say. It takes a village when I was weighing options and trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I ultimately gently decided I could do this on my own because I had that college degree Andrew My bell. I had a supportive family. I felt like I could co parent with her. Dad So there were a lot of layers to this but ultimately I decided I wanna do this and I want to experience motherhood and it won't be in a traditional. I'm doing like air away but I was. I was excited. Although I knew that it was going to be really tough and did the father did he want to stay in the picture and be part of your child's life totally and he the thing is that I think when we're in college we're figuring out so much about ourselves and a lot of people do become college sweethearts and they end up being together and getting married and all them but for us. We were just nominated to be in a relationship. I felt like it was an interesting time where he did take some time to figure himself foul. I would say for about a year and so that year of completely doing it on my own was when it was like this realization that we have a lot of power as human beings to handle a lot on our plate and I was figuring out I want to go to Grad school raising this baby curl trying to get a job. There were so many pieces to it so I had that year processing I would say so walk us through the timeline you graduate college and you have to get it like okay so was dating somebody on and off for about four years during the fourth year which is like when most people are graduating college got pregnant and so. I was really Gung Ho on I'm finishing this. I'm going to finish am not taking a gap year. I WanNa Finish College so I was taking classes while I was pregnant while at cal and I was the only only one who was openly like showing pregnant in any of my classes so there was just that whole story openly as in some people may have been pregnant. We just didn't want to show it right right right right and so I was going through that process. I ended up having my daughter Amoebic three months after I graduated from that point on like I was basically single single mom during my pregnancy. I separated from her dad during the pregnancy when I decided I was going to do this on my own. It was interesting because I think that everybody Eddie was pretty much on board to support me but I don't think anybody really realized how much work it was gonna be so for example God bless. My parents were amazing but basically after the a year of graduating that was when I was on my own with Alani. That's her name okay if my daughter Rani. That's a great name. Now I mean I can't imagine because we have some friends who are pregnant. Order have given birth know mount help could ever make you feel less overwhelmed a new parent so I can't imagine the kind of stress that you're going through it there's only to did you and her father like get back together or was that when he was out of the picture we never got back together. Okay drew a line in the sand and I said if I'm going to do this I'm going to X. Wchs make it so that this is my journey with her and I'm not going to expect anything although I really hope that he steps up to the plate and does the co-parenting thing with me. All all of that good stuff has never got married or anything we actually we were married that last year it was like six months. You were married big part of uh-huh. That's very mature way. So you got married like media. That year was like a blur because it was like colleges ending. He asked me to marry him and we found out we were having her. I quickly saw that. He was not who he said he was. It was like everything all at one. Eh grew up in a I don't WANNA say super traditional household but Latino households tend to be pretty religious in general so the idea of having a baby but not being married was like constantly only something today I do not follow religion in the same way but it was something that was always on my mind and being that young you know we're still figuring it out. I did feel feel. The pressure of get married have the baby and today now seeing looking at it backwards of psycho. I was so young I treasure. You really really no need. I feel like that's like logical so you got married and divorced before Alani was even born got married when I was pregnant. Okay six months happen so now take it to like six or seven months of pregnancy. I'm realizing there's a lot of stuff about this man that I did not realize and that did not like and I did not want a child to be a part of I separated from him and once I had her went through the official paperwork to get divorced are Scott it. Did he propose because of the pregnancy. I think that was a big moment like a big trigger for him but we had been talking about it. It just it was this thing where I realized that our goals were no longer aligned in college.

00:10:04 - 00:15:04

Inmates your page or both in college. We talk about the big picture but once I realized like my hustle is different than your hustle in our life. Goals are not aligned the way that now that we're out of college and we're not in that it bubble it. Just it just didn't feel right anymore. How long were you guys dating for on and off for years. Okay College Basically Yeah in some people Jose College sweethearts but you don't WanNa go. It's fling with. I guess let's go to your dating life post him right. So what was that like. How long did it take you to think about okay after giving birth. That's a really good question because I feel like for me and I stay just the phases and after I was now in this situation where I was a single mom divorce like there were so many pieces to alike entering the dating world that I was like not ready to handle. I just started dating about nine or ten months after I had my daughter so let's just say like a year outra. I was ready to just see what it felt like because I had never really been on. Nice states who had been on more of those college like let's go to dinner here. Let's go to the game or you know those hands the hang out you were. How old were you at this point. Twenty four twenty was fairly young. Twenty four twenty five is when I feel like I started hearted entering the rules of dating and I just wanted to understand like what is this still like and who do we want a day and I was just interested in like going on those days yeah figuring out like how does this work and what do I want it to look like I feel like that's when I entered but without a shot athletes having a child so how did you navigate around that the that something you told people right away yeah and trust me this is it was like a learning process because in the beginning I didn't know what I wanted to tell. People and I didn't know if I wanted to say hey I'm divorced and I have a baby. Are you okay with that because I was trying to not necessarily asked for permission or fit like I knew I was just trying to understand the dating world a year or so into trying to just meet people and let people take me on dates. I felt very comfortable with an exploration phase phase of like dating who where I wanted to try everything and I wanted to try you know being in a committed relationship. I wanted to try being an open relationship I wanted to you have sexual partners. I wanted to date one person. Multiple people like I felt like I had so much. I wanted to experience that I was very upfront with people in the beginning at that point. I was dating more confidently. I was in Grad School taking all these sexual health classes and becoming a success so it was all coming together in a different way. Do you think it you have the sort of curiosity about you because you had a child or because that's just who you are me or other people for you for you to have this because I feel like in my mid mid-twenties I was like I'm GonNa look for husband. I'm going to get married. I kept thinking I was going to be a relationship. I don't think I went through that exploratory stage till like maybe early thirties late twenties early thirty S. I definitely did it in my twenties. That's where you were your intentions to explore and see what's out. There like tries many never really you. I have no idea what the yours feels more intentional like my intention to explore what configurations of a relationship hip on well. I may be comfortable with and you know why because I felt like I didn't get to do that and so now that I was in a place where I had that stability and I felt like like I was becoming just empowered as a mom and a woman and like exploring pleasure. I feel like I just entered this phase where I wanted to experience things because I didn't WanNa. I WANNA find my life partner and look back and wish I would have signed off. I just wanted to get it at my system and I just wanted to say okay. I tried it wasn't for me or I didn't try not and I'm okay because I never wanted to so. It was just like filtering faith I was reading this blog by the single mom about her dating experience and she said at the end of every date. I thought no matter how the state goes I will always have unconditional. Love might child knowing the inmate. Her field really empowered in that way in love. Is that something you felt as well. Oh my God. My daughter was like my world. She is still but like it was like it just magnified during dating because I realized you know there's something more important than this meal that didn't turn out well and I have her at home and she's he's sleeping or taking the time out of your schedule to go on a date when you have a little girl like that that you're prioritizing dating in your prioritizing whatever that intention is that you're seeking out with dating. I knew that from me like when I was in that phase where I was starting to really explore that it was important to me just just as a human being and so that's what I was prioritizing once.

00:15:04 - 00:20:05

I got into a phase where I felt like I had accomplished the things that I wanted to do like for example like I really wanted to be more set in my career. I didn't want to be figuring out stuff anymore. I kind of wanted that to be part of like my story and I wanted wanted a partner who who matched me a lot of ways once I got to that point which I would say. It was more like twenty seven twenty eight. The way I dated was very intentional and it was that I'm dating for love. I'm dating for a partner in. I'm dating for a potential future father of my daughter because I feel like at twenty. I don't know if I was definitely out of that. Place is such a hot mess. I I'm not texting me back three hours just like drunk like hooking up. I like having a child matured you a lot faster. I accelerated. I would never have expected but see that's I mean I feel like in that middle facing talk about like mid twenties. I wanted to try everything because I I was like on a schedule yeah I wanted to do and like I knew I wanted eventually get to the point where I was introducing her to a potential like family member you're probably just more family oriented because you had a child to begin with yeah and also all the things that we were stressing about in our mid twenties Madison matter. Yes she having a jazz things in perspective I if he doesn't call you back in three days. You're like I'm busy with a child. Tears dot like you're probably more intentional not wasting time like out at bars just getting drunk and like hooking up with other people by twenty it was still nice to get out with friends or with a day and like have drinks and enjoy the night. I was still something that like when it felt good that was part of my right schedule and part of my on it but having a child it does two things I think with dating because I dated a little bit before I had her but I really saw the difference with my girlfriends in the twenty. I was going to add late eighty s early thirties. I saw the difference when you have a child. I think what happens is is one. You're prioritizing your dating life differently and if you want love you actually put effort into that in a different way so for reme- if somebody wanted to spend time with me one on one they had to impress me to a certain level it was it couldn't be as casual. I think some of my girlfriends right I yeah. I definitely went on casual dates but I was okay with that. They've infinite time right but you're also not randomly sleeping over at someone's house you have to go home and like I paid for my sitter these layers to like if we go on a day after really want to great screening they talk about that in a second but like dating the APPS. I loved it because I screened a lot. It's the second thing I was. I was GONNA say about dating with a childlike won. The schedule is different but to when you when I got to the point where I was dating somebody more seriously in. I saw them interact with my daughter now. You have to make that call for yourself. If you're a single mom or single parent or Wendy want to introduce someone you're dating to your children or your child but when I did it I got to see what this person would be like. Interacting as a potential like family member and a potential father see it's almost like getting a glimpse glimpse into the future turn yeah and a lot of my friends when we were talking like you know talk about health is your date and how's everything going with so and so I was always taken back by the descriptions descriptions of how badly a date would go and they would go on another date yeah I didn't have time to nobody got time for that. I love that too. It's like there's hypothetical like how they parent but you're like nope. I got to see it. I am and also you're like. Probably I'm assuming probably some of your friends had more superficial criteria but because he were still so focused around your child's. You're thinking like that big picture more yeah. This is actually a great dating tactic have a kid. Did you have a friend who's a single moment screen. Your dates were true. They don't have enough to do on the road the them so I guess okay that brings us to you met your husband on the League the day the APP. So were you primarily using APPs throughout this process I would. I'm sorry I was only dating APPs. Unless if I met somebody by chance that caught my interest I would still want to do kind of like this screening time where I would get to know them a little bit with like texting and calls and all that stuff I loved APPs. I still love APPS and I try to get all my girlfriends to try APPS when they're still hesitant because you get to share enough about yourself on there where someone can get a good sense and I don't i. I wasn't hiding anything I would putting that I was divorced and that I had a daughter that I was in in the sexual wellness space like all the things that could be deal breakers for some people are very interesting.

00:20:05 - 00:25:03

I was putting it out there and yes. There were some creeps that would reach out but for the most part yeah like I was getting pretty good matches. I mean that's such I think that's like something we take for granted with absolute a Lotta people myself included. Sometimes we'll kind of complain about that but I think back over there weren't absent is people randomly lake who had an attraction but you knew nothing about that so like the like your point of view is like. I'm no time to waste if they're not okay with like me having a child like we didn't waste that first day what even even with that like say. I would match with with somebody that I actually wanted to get to in person. I still wouldn't do a dinner. Date is a first date. I will do a happy hour coffee and that's it because I didn't want to waste my time and I feel like I had to sit through three hours of conversation with somebody that I didn't want to be with so it was like it was like a after screening is totally yeah okay so you you really like the apps but I would just say that asser great if you know how to use them. Oh Yeah so you're using it in the right way by putting out all the things that make you unique and that may he also turn some people away perfectly fine. It's not a numbers game. No you're just trying to get someone who can meet you where you are. So what was the reaction I mean I I guess you kind of had that prescreen already by putting it out there right. It's like a formula. I like your script is but like I mean I know like other people. We've talked to like. I think like some single mothers I've spoken to said like datings really hard yeah. I feel like when I spoke to you. What was interesting? I felt you had a very positive. Take on it as a single. Mom and I don't know if everyone feels that same way yeah so it'd be curious like what the responses were and how you got to that place positively so for me. I think the biggest biggest thing that shifted my mindset instead of thinking of it like I have so much to do with her and it's so tough today because I don't have the time when I say like I a carved out that time you have to remember there were like maybe five or six years where I was intentionally working on myself making me happy and I was doing things like like discovering my body and I was making sure that I had a career that I loved and I bought my first place and I was building for myself and my daughter and I think that made me happy and we were talking about this before. The podcast but energy is a big deal. I think people were attracted to my positively and and it just kind of snowballed like I became attracted to people with positive attitudes about life in like just that energy was a big deal for me that I've always sought out because I'm really sensitive to being around negative people negatively that tends to like soak into me and I don't like the energies on ice I mean I'm I'm assuming most of the men that you talk to are okay with you having a child. Is that the reaction or were there were some that didn't feel that way take just taking a quick break here so we can talk about sex products. Did that get your attention. I'm sure you've already heard US rave about Lola. A female founded company offering lineup organic cotton. EPA FREE TAMPONS PADS and liners as well as the sex products to unlike other products on the market lowest products are formulated to deliver the sensation and reliability deserve without unnecessary irritating additives by fever. Little products are the conduct series the best I've ever use and I'm not shy to admit these condoms are made out of natural rubber latex in individually tested for contraception -ception and Sti Protection and a great complement to the condoms is Lola Crystal lubricate featuring a mess free one click pump system with a water based formula made with Aloe Vera and is completely hypoallergenic with low. You get everything delivered to your door hassle free for dateable listeners. Only you get forty percents off your first month subscription. It just visit my Lola Dot Com and enter the code dateable. When you subscribe again you get forty percents off your first month subscription just visit my Lola Dot com into the Code D. A. T. L. E. now back to the show. I'm assuming most of the men that you talk to are okay with you having a child is that the reaction there were there. Were some that didn't feel that way. I would say nine out of ten times. Everyone was okay with it or interested in learning more okay there were some jerks works that didn't read or didn't like wait. I didn't know that and so you know there's always a moment of truth and honestly I couldn't be interested in somebody. That wasn't okay with potentially dating someone that had a child. I tended to older because I felt like they were a little bit more mature and ready for something in you're super-rich dating older who was dating a little older. I used to joke that my husband barely made in my bottom cut off when I met him and I was like you're kind of the young I'd really like to meet Thirties. I felt like that was when I saw that men.

00:25:03 - 00:30:19

I don't want to generalize but I am. I feel like in general they were just more receptive to too serious committed relationships yeah thirties even now being in my late thirties. I would say yes the men in their late thirties or definitely definitely more open to that. I want to know the types of guys you dated now. You are so curious and you date single. DADS okay yes I did. I actually was in a relationship with a single dad for about a year and I hated it. What was needed it because it was okay so he was great like amazing like in terms of being being a dad to his son and and human being however. I hated that I not only had two now split my time between like dating my daughter personal life but I also had to have that time split with another child and I felt like two was a lot for me was I I kind of took a step back. I tried to think through okay so what does feel like when single-mandate me and I still thought it was different because to date one person with one child I feel like creates a certain dynamic but when you were talking about co-parenting with four people lost a lot it was a the law and it was draining and I feel like I got lucky because my now has been has a good relationship with my daughter's father like their amicable. They get along long. It's very mature but I didn't really get along with my ex boyfriends ex ex ex it. It was tough and I just wanted more attention was okay with saying that. We were talk a lot about it. I I feel like I need more attention in this and it's tough to be you know there's so much attention to vision right now so I was reading also on this woman's blog which is amazing. I forget her name. She was also saying her friends to set up when she became a single mother and they kept setting her up with single dads and she said that was the worst combination ever because because you're in a time where you want to focus on the relationship but when you are splitting the time like you were talking about you end up focusing on the kids your your your it added kid yeah instead of your relationship together so. I find that really interesting. What about had did you date guys who never been in relationships too very inexperienced dance with dating no none of that what about what about guys who didn't want children of their own that was so tough. Okay I dated waited. You know high mentioned that I dated men who were curious to learn more so let's just call them on the fence guys so on the fence guys were interested in and sing with dynamic could be like and there was one occasion when I was extremely into this particular person and the longer we together the more that I was enjoying it but I didn't realize it was becoming tough for him to see like the responsibility level of now being part of a little oh girls life and so as I was pulling in he was pulling out and that sucked so I would say that sometimes people are curious and you just have to be okay with the fact that sometimes they're not going to be okay with it in that has to be part of the deal and they don't know until they give it a try. He's not necessarily malicious. Thing probably took him. Be The situation yeah. What is it's really interesting about your situation which is very similar to my friend may situation to she's about to marry a man who has a child with a woman who they were like never really together other when the child is able to acknowledge it so what I'm saying is your child has never known mommy and daddy together as a couple right same with my situation yeah so you don't have that situation where guys coming in and you know the kids like while you're not might mommy's boyfriend or husband because there is not that jealousy jealousy but I can also see how that could add another layer of complexity if the guy did have a child with like an ex wife and the kid did see the two of them together as totally thing if they had if there were basically children that group home and then that couple split up yes. I Yeah I think that that is more challenging and do have other friends who are still single. MOMS or are newly single moms where that was the situation and I think it is. It's tough but it's not AH. I don't want to say that it's harder. I think that it's just different and you have to take care of like the child's emotions and like all of those things even more to a different degree. I would say one of the reasons seasons where why I feel like I accelerated this. How you say like accelerated the maturity. Not what I wanted was because I didn't want to have my daughter. Grow up and see US arguing see that there was infidelity that there was different issues going on. I just wanted her a to know that I was solid and even if it was one person like I was okay with that but it had to make me like I had to switch to being so interesting because like I know myself and like a a lot of my friends have had these situations at our twenties where it was like the back and forth person wasn't treating you ripe is still in there where I think from like what you just said.

00:30:19 - 00:35:01

It's it's like if you took like a step out of that and you're like. Is this like the role model. I want to like portray that makes you think about it a lot differently than if you're just like in it and you're like whatever like we'll see what happens like all of that. It really does put everything in perspective. Handle your priorities and prospect yeah. So at what point would you introduce someone to your daughter so you have to. I think do what feels right for you because I introduced my daughter to a couple of the people and they were all pretty different. I would say that after you feel like the relationship is progressing to a place where you are excited to introduce onto each other. I think that that's a good time for me with that. Look like is we were exclusive or we were boyfriend girlfriend. I I will say that when I introduced my daughter to a boyfriend when I was dating. I regretted it. I wish I would have done it sooner sooner because I would have been able to feel out in like seem like the dynamics would have been sooner before committing to be boyfriend had she did not like how this particular ex partner of mine was is around her changed the way that I like liked him and like I dunno just change the relationship so how many people like I mean. You don't have have to give exactly. How roughly did you date like whether casualty you're serious before you met your husband a lot. I did it a lot and I was okay with that because I felt like I needed to understand like what I wanted in a person literally how many people mark to Paul Hart between like fifteen to three three hundred the ballpark great. We sat six years of dating averagely. How many anytime stupid maybe like two months? We're kind of bored number with that. I don't know fifty to one hundred. It caught my my gosh okay. Maybe one hundred days how many mattered yeah just ask people that were significant in your life. maybe four or five live and I had two partners like boyfriends okay when I was a single mom in each were for about a year got it so there wasn't like like this. You know it wasn't back to back. It was like trying different. God you were asking what kind of people one mistake that I made that I see a lot of my friends also makers Carr's when I was first entering the dating world I was attracted to men because I'm for the most part heterosexual like there's a spectrum thing and we can talk about that but I was a man men who had office characteristics of my exes in that fulfils you in a certain way but it's not necessarily the right recipe for a Blaine order. I feel like that was a mistake that I had to learn and then I think my dates got better over time not not perfectly but I would say that over time I got. I became a better a better screener. I was impressed by a lot of the people that I met specialist area like there's a lot of really interesting people here so you went for like polar opposite said at the beginning the beginning of the new started to look at characteristics that you liked overall right got it right and I talk about intentional dating an intentional like sexual actual partners allow in other places but when I got to the point where I knew okay I feel good about a lot of things in my life and I want an equal and I wanted partner and I wanNa have fun and I want great sex and I will all of the above. I started being very intentional about dating and I joke about this but I feel like I spoke my husband into existence. I ordered him do that. I remember having dinner with a girlfriend who's also very spiritual. We were talking about our future partners and I told older I feel like my partner is around the corner and I feel like I'm ready and putting it out in the universe and I'm doing all the little things to me that are important Martin for a relationship any and so for me I was excited to be open and ready to receive somebody that was going to be an equal for me and so we just talked about what is he looked like and we literally described might now husband. I met him about two weeks after that dinner and so it was this moment of I remember she. He spoke at our wedding like there was this whole thing so I believe that being very intentional and trying to manifest like something when you're ready for it has a lot of power and I feel like even dating can do that. Can you can do that with your partners.

00:35:01 - 00:40:03

Absolutely I think that applies to everything in life doing we asked the universe when you're ready to receive them. That's when the universe dust does deliver but when people sit back and wait for the universe to deliver to them that will never happen has to be active your giving and receiving at the same time but this is all great. I WanNa talk about the sex really interested in actual journey throughout this first of all logistically sickly you. How does that work. I mean like where do you do sleepovers with your daughter. The babysitter is all that yeah so you know how we talked about like the way that I was dating sounded more mature so the people that I did it had to have obviously for starters their place okay so I was was never a fan of mixing someone that I was dating in my personal like Mondo or apartment I felt like that was my secret space with my daughter and so for someone to Oh come and visit us there was a huge deal for me even if she wasn't there so I- logistically enjoyed dates out in the bay different parts of the bay area and if it led to wanting to have sex was usually back at their place there were a couple of times where it had progress and I felt comfortable comfortable inviting the person over but it took me a long time to be okay to have sex in my own apartment with somebody that I was dating that took her there basically earn even without her there so I I would get a sitter okay. I didn't like mixing where I wouldn't have somebody over and she would be there even though like when I was dating and she was tiny I had that flexibility and for MOMS who single moms out there who feel like they don't they can't have a sitter and they have to balance having a sex life with their child in the apartment or home or whatever that's okay. Hey whatever works for you as long as it feels like authentic in good to you so for me I would get a sitter she would spend the night with usually my parents usually because they're our local which I'm really happy to have them. We would just honestly I wasn't planning like tonight. We'll have tonight. We won't have sex but if I was feeling it and we wanted to go back to my place. That was an option. If that person her son had if we had built a relationship basically and would you spend the night with them still or would you like leave and go home. If you didn't have a sitter most of the time I would leave and go home but it became easier for me to leave my daughter with a sitter or with my parents for the night so I just got into a groove of what worked got and it was easier to spend the night at somebody's place and just pick her up in the morning. Yeah get refreshed. Pick her up and she's probably just like. Oh staying here at like grandma and GRANDPA loves loves them and she's going to be like mom. Tell us about when you met your husband like what was different about him like what was his reaction to kind of entering your family and like all of that my husband when we met right off the bat he was joking and he was you know he started. Turn off our date with a joke. I didn't even realize it if I didn't know if he was talking to me or not because he came up to me and told me there's a couple of extras on a second date so we definitely have to get farther than them. Do you know that you're supposed to even go on the date with a Ha- enough just kind of playfully he was really respectful. He's from from the Mid West now like a lot of the bay area and that I have met meaning like not as a maybe not as aggressive or laying standoffish or playing hard to get like like he was. He was a nice guy and I would say after our third time third date. I knew that there was something about him. That was just clicking so well all that I was always really excited to see him. So the first indicator I would say that he was like my person was I couldn't wait for that next day and he wouldn't let us is leave the date without confirming or like asking me if I was interested in seeing him again which that was a big deal. I don't know why people don't do. I know that they make the guessing game. Aim is the worst when you're like trying to guess what a main clear yeah yeah when they're clear authentic and they're trying to play games here so is he looking to to start a family okay so when I asked him about this on date number one like so. What do you think you want in your life. Are you open to potentially being a Stepdad. Like what does that look look like for you. He said he's always loved having children in his life because he's an uncle okay and so for him. He knew that he loved being around kids but he didn't know exactly what that meant is. I was okay with that. You're not so he didn't know if he wanted his own kids or not but he was open to the idea of potentially dating someone with the child got it so just all you can really expect on date one this as long as you're open. Yes and you don't want the conversation to be so deep on the first day so even though like there's some logistics that I'd like to get out of the way I don't. It's not like a sit sound okay. Let's go through my list actually honestly like they will ask you if they know you have a child or they knew my career was in sexual wellness like he would ask but it was in a it was like an nice light way right it.

00:40:03 - 00:45:01

Wasn't this heavy question. It's like any day it's like you. There's things that you WanNa know like child or no child right. You can't like there's like a balance right of still making it like a fun and engaging time not like checklists so and you guys got married win for us. Things happen pretty quickly. Chemistry mistry was amazing. We felt like we made each other better. In so many ways. It was pretty obvious that we were going to move forward in whatever that next step was. We became engaged aged like six or seven months after we allow yeah that is fast and then life hit us. Both of our moms actually were diagnosed with cancer within like a year of each other learn so we postponed getting married for maybe about two years. We ended up buying a house together and getting married two years ago so it's been a total of four for the time line. They messed up the time. Larry write that down. I got it. I got the metal don't pretty quickly so now they daughters eleven. I feel like that is a pretty pretty good age to explain certain concepts that they kinda get. Has she ever asked you about your relationship with her father. She's never asked me like what happened. Okay I think that okay so my daughter is incredibly intuitive and she's also pretty mature so she has always seen are dynamic is pretty simple short so she knows that we don't really love spending lots of time together in a situation where we will do it for her or like a birthday party or something so the questions have been more around. Why are you nicer to my dad. Why don't you talk to him more like joining in and just be nice to each each other and we're not mean. We're not like yours very platonic yet. There's no motion behind right yeah so I guess like from all of this like what. How do you think like having a child at a young age has changed you well. I think it's just it's been a blessing that I didn't expect his crazy. You don't really know how things are going to happen and it taught me that. Non Traditional families can be really good and I did think from the beginning that I was going to have more of that nuclear traditional manly but the way that it has turned out how has been like such a joy to me and raising her and calling all the shots for her that has been fun for me. It wasn't always easy. There Shoul Shaw Mitch like there's so many hard moments with being a single parent and there's so many times you just WanNa like screaming like over it but honestly it's just been this journey of of motherhood that I didn't plan this way and it made me ultimately now like it led me to the relationship that I have and the journey I think is what has been the funnest because all those ups and downs are crazy but she has developed into the super empowered like very sassy. That's what I wanted in that. Come Hawaii and you did that credit for that. You know credit yeah. It's been fun hard and fun. I love this and I think this is really a good for people to hear because like I had a friend that has is thirty five single really wants kids like no man in the horizon and was like maybe I should just do it on my own. Her concern was well. If I'm having such charge time finding that person now is just GonNa make it harder news. It's like one more the thing to screen for one more thing to like. Put out there and have someone potentially not be into right and I think like from what you're saying is like no like helps you kind of cut. NJIT faster like gets you to like be with people that are on the same page of also wanting a family in kind of weeding out those people that don't so it is important portent you yeah and it's just GonNa be in a different order. I think people should explore other options with motherhood because it doesn't have to happen order that we hear about going up you know. I think that's a really good point too because I think like historically a lot of times. It's because women couldn't make financially take care of themselves and now like that isn't the case select select is really good and tell these conversations in here from you from that juilliard kicking offer takeaways yeah. Let's go is I'll turn it to view A. I think the main takeaway in you keep saying this and I love it. Is that the reason why you're so positive about. This entire. Experience is because you are excited about this journey. Ernie something from scratch whether that's your child or building a life with your child and having that your own baby like whether a real real baby or not it's like a great personal development yup time and an opportunity to do that so I'm GonNa plug. Our coaching services because one thing I really love about what we do coaching. is we bring everybody on an exciting journey. It's never like these are tasks. You need to do the things you should check off. It's more like hey you never know a life life throws at you and when it does let's tackle that and let's just go on this exciting journey and you never know what could unfold totally and you just have to be open to that entire or experienced yes yeah.

00:45:01 - 00:50:07

I think that's a good kind of segue. mine is it's all about mindset like we say this on everything but I think this is like a prime example because like you could think of it as a hindrance. You could think of it as like. How do I fit in a date when I have like twenty other things to do and it's like again like that mindset of like this is actually something I really want. I'm going to prioritize it. I'm going to make this a positive experience like I'm GonNa like look at it is a way to find someone that's on my page not necessarily leaving people out that art right so it's all about that mindset and I think the other takeaway halves. I love this concept of like and it doesn't deserve to be with a child but like would by actions make for me to be a good role model out. I be proud of what I am doing. What I think a lot of times a lot of people myself included. It'd have taken some shit right and it's like have done things or like. Stephen released its way past due date for whatever reason and when you're not being treated did right and it's like if someone was actually observing this that looked up to me would they would. I be a good role model of what a relationship should or would I be like. Why are you doing this and that is a mean that you can't do anything and make any mistakes. He's just a great way to course correct. We've all been there. We someday a or I don't know they're probably not my proudest moment. At least you recognize it and can chorus cracked and say this is not the person I'm trying to be absolutely and I think like you kind of have to go through yourself to realize that it's mistake like I think that's just part of life in your journey right but I think we're it becomes problematic is when on the same thing keeps happening over and over and over again or you're questioning why you're making the same decisions with different people and all of that so so rebecca. What kind of advice vice would you give to people who are dating a single mom so if you're dating somebody with a child in a single parent I would encourage you to you really get to know that person I even though you know that there's a layer of parenthood and like understanding what that feels like. I see what it's like with just that that person because at the end of the day like that's going to be probably it is the most important relationship and you WanNa make sure that you are fully in with that person the if that makes sense to you WanNa make sure that you're also very intentional when it when you do if you get to that point of meeting the child and if it doesn't feel right you should say that feels great continue like you just have to be authentic to like what you want because I hear a lot of people are worried about meeting a child because they don't don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't WanNa feel like the hurting the child if it doesn't work but I think W- It is worse than that is pretending like something is working or dragging something hang out for too long right totally any other takeaways that you have. I know you've lived in breathe this your entire life but anything from this conversation going back to a second talking about the socks. I think it's really important for single MOMS or single parents to know that they deserve to also have great sacks and just because you're not in in a traditional relationship just because you're not a single data with no children doesn't mean that you can't have that part of yourself for filled so make it work for you like every every once in a different setup it takes a village to raise a child so make it work for you to enjoy the sexual part of your life when you're dating if that's important to you that's a really a good point like why should you be deprived from things that are like human nature and you were also in the sexual wellness space. Tell us more about that. I mean my background is a sexologist so so I do a lot of sex research. I've worked with a lot of startups that have created products for women usually for women in the women's health and sexuality space space like arousal devices toys fertility devices. My business is the blue beam and for those of you that don't know it's marketplace. It's a digital marketplace for clean intimate care products so we have everything from hygiene to period products sexual wellness and there's also a blog so you can learn a lot from me personally also from some of our other experts also marketplace as in their different vendors that sell products. Reich for sex love it red love it love it clean and and the reason I want to just break that down is because right now. The industry has a lot of toxic ingredients in these products. They're not really regulated. They're poorly regulated. I should say so. We do a good job of like raising that stunned making sure that everything that we carry won't negatively impact your sex life or all your personal hygiene. That's shocking to hear I know industry has been around for so long but the regulations are so loose yeah about and we're putting the shit in in our body yeah hello totally in. Do we have time for a quick question of the day question the day this one comes from David he says I have a five a year old son and I'm finding that forty plus childless women are gravitating towards me so they can have a child of their own.

00:50:07 - 00:53:59

I like that they're excited about me having a kid but I'm wondering wondering if they're more interested in becoming a mother than being with me any thoughts well. I think that if that is the like age range that he's gravitating eating too like if he's attracted to women who are mature and ready for that then that makes sense but if it's something that doesn't feel right to him and it's something that he feels like the priority to them is is more child versus relationship than I would say. Stay away from from women that it doesn't feel right to spend time with them and it doesn't feel right to build that relationship because again it's more important to build the authentic relationship as the couple and it doesn't sound like maybe he's attracting that. I so I would encourage him to find women that are interested interested in him. I like maybe don't bring the child into play for a little bit longer. because the most important thing is obviously making sure that you guys are solid so that you can build that foundation for Children Aldrin whether they're here now or in the future yet I mean obviously we can't talk to him but I would probably question a little too like this is quite a blanket statement right like every woman like has this happens once has happened like ten times. Is it more like you're looking for the sign of it like I think maybe it's like you said like screening better and like having conversations nations and like bringing up that you have a child but then also bring it back to you too as a couple yet so it's not like fixing than maybe it's like looking at his own conversations maybe he for some some reason is steering people toward only talking about kids like not necessarily consciously right absolutely yeah. That's a really good point if he if he's the one bring up his child called all the time then of course the woman would only talk about the child and then he would use that as a sign saying that she's only interested in the child and this question very similar to two people who are like. I don't know if he's into me for me or into me for the sex is kind of the same question and the answer's the same as well you gotta you gotta see see where the priorities are. He's prioritizing you or prioritizing three booty. Call so it's kind of the same thing it's your call to see how you feel with this person end of the day whether their intentions are to be with your child if they don't make you feel good. You shouldn't be right so it's your call. Sir The David Okay. We're going to wrap this up sobers Rebecca. If people want to get a hold of you. How can they do that. they can get me on all all my handles with Rebecca Alvarez Story and then they can check out blew me stuff on the Bloomberg Dot Com and it has a blog and all that fun. How do you spell that blew me is B o l. o. m. i. so the DOT COM link also Michelle is that'd be a list we have has single fathers shutting one one single data on the show but the episode was not about that so we would love to have father on the show to tell us their stores Shar Adrian guests for us and around or a single mother that hasn't at the same experience where always open to having more conversations absolutely great. Thank you again for being on the show. Oh we're GONNA wrap this up. Stay all want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag us in any post with a Hashtag stay dateable and trusts. We look at all those pose then head over to our website dateable PODCASTS DOT com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium. Y series we're we dissect analyzed and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us so don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.